Aaand we’re back. Apparently tonight’s program contains mild coarse language. 90% of that is me swearing at the television every time I see Dani’s immunity pin. ‘Mild’ is probably pushing it.

Captain Haddock's got nothing on me

Gastronome following last night's episode

The Masterchef house sure is looking empty. The girls are plotting in the bathroom while Michael and Hayden hang out in the kitchen. Ellie realises that fifty percent is half as many. Michael is pleased to be left with Hayden.

Everyone’s in their Qantas themed chef whites. They arrive in the kitchen to two mystery boxes and two benches. Dani’s baffled by change. It’s a team challenge. Of course it is, it’s Wednesday.

Dani, Ellie and Alana are the red team. Alana looks pretty unimpressed. Michael, Hayden and Kate are the blue team. Hayden’s the blue captain because he volunteered. He and Michael have lost eight team challenges. Alana is the red team captain by default. Dani has failed before and Ellie has no ability.

Today’s broken up in two parts. The first part involves the team captains facing a mini challenge. Alana freaks out. Should have let Ellie do it. Winner gets a mystery advantage. Michael explains that winning the advantage would be an advantage.

Put some pants on, Hayden

Masterchef contestants contemplating the meaning of 'advantage'

Hayden and Alana take their places, weirdly facing each other. They’ve got twenty minutes to cook whatever’s in the box. It’s all kinds of things, including salmon, oranges, witlof, micro-parsley and wine. Fortunately they don’t have to use them all. Alana refuses to reveal her ideas. Hayden doesn’t have any. Somehow they’ve changed into Captain shirts.

The teams are allowed to verbally assist. That is a real disadvantage for Alana. Time starts, and Ellie and Dani start gibbering. Hayden panics and stuffs around while Alana starts gunning a smoked salmon dish. Is this her time to shine?

Five minutes later, Hayden finally starts. He’s making salmon with some kind of tea sauce, plus a bonus butter sauce. His teammates start hassling him. Kate frankly thinks it’s stupid. She is giving him that classic mum ‘stop being an idiot’ look. The  blue cap is not a great look for Michael.

Ten minutes to go and Alana’s teammates are lost. She’s doing fine though, completely ignoring them. Gary and George come to try and freak her out. She ignores them too. Winning strategy.

Hayden’s not doing quite as well. He can barely explain his dish, and freaks out at the baffled expression of the judges. His butter sauce is going to be trouble, in a bizarre new twist for Masterchef. Does this conflict with George’s work for the butter lobby?

Also, it's how he keeps his head so shiny

George recommends this as part of a balanced breakfast

Five minutes! Alana’s salmon looks good, and the foam seems to be working. Hayden’s dish tastes predictably weird, but he happily lies to his teammates. He claims this is because he wants to see how it goes. It is in fact because he is not a team player at heart. Kate just wants him to stop shaking.

Time’s up! In the final seconds Alana adds salt and pepper. Masterchef. The red team hug. On the blue team, Kate restrains herself from murdering Hayden.

George reminds everyone that an advantage is an advantageous thing to have. Hayden’s seared salmon with tea and butter looks a bit weird, and is completely ruined by the bizarre butter sauce. Alana’s smoked salmon salad, minus the wisely abandoned cream sauce, has a weird burnt sugar aftertaste. Nobody wins!

Alana loses the least. Red team gets the advantage! Kate is regretting letting Hayden be Captain. Gary has changed his mind and has decided that Alana’s dish was actually fantastic. What is the advantage?

They’re off to the airport.  Qantas has clearly dropped a packet on this show. Kate’s never been on the tarmac before. Has anyone? This is why Pilot Paul should have stayed.

Screenshot

Too bad he's off being rad somewhere

They’ll be cooking for first-class passengers. Hayden identifies that first class passengers are more likely than anyone else to be whinging rich guys. Red team takes over a fully staffed kitchen – so, professional chefs will do the prep, and their job is filling orders.  Ninety minutes later, the blue team take over from them to complete the service. That is a pretty serious advantage.

Michael is upfront about how displeased he is to be in a kitchen following Dani and Ellie. Hayden tries to convince them to not destroy the kitchen with some reverse psychology. It flies right over their heads, sadly.

They’ll have to follow the first lounge policy – twenty minutes from order to service. These serious business people have serious business things to do. Ellie is totally incapable of doing this. Actually, so is Dani. By the way, has anyone noticed that Dani is a dead ringer for young Liza Minelli?

Seriously, she is like liza's twin

Screenshot of Dani ignoring time limits

Neil Perry will be judging as well. Winners get a one on one Masterclass each. Kate wants to win, and pretends she cares about Hayden and Michael. Losers go into elimination. Ellie knows she’s gone if it’s her versus Alana. A rare moment of self awareness.

Red team are off! They leave the tarmac and go indoors. Why were they on the tarmac in the first place? They are worried about the expectations of the customers. They’re in an airport. If you beat Subway you’re doing well.

Creepy Neil Perry is there to greet them. The executive chef of the lounge is there to give them direction. Good thinking, Qantas. They also get recipe cars with pictures, which Neil demands they use. They’re actually off!

They have three stations– sauce, grill and larder. Ellie, on larder, pretends she is listening to the chef explaining thing to her. Her job is basically assembling salads and desserts. She may be out of her depth. Alana’s on the sauce station, making pasta, salmon, duck and chicken laksa.

Dani’s on the grill – burger, club sandwich, salt and pepper squid and something else. She starts burning buns. In the commentary box, Dani attempts to blame Alana. She burns twenty before realising she has to watch them.

Followed by big words

Heat: Dani's greatest nemesis

Dani cannot make a burger in twenty minutes. Who knew? Ellie is being overwhelmed by dockets. She is pinning them to her wall at random. George comes to explain to her that she needs to put them in order.  Now she complains that she can’t read the dockets. Can she actually read? There’s no evidence to suggest she can.

Alana’s doing okay. Sadly she has been saddled with morons. She gets her fish to the judges in good time, and it’s almost perfectly cooked. Matt Preston is wearing his plaid suit and what looks like a fob watch.

Meanwhile, Dani is engaged in a battle of wills with a club sandwich. She’s losing badly. She cannot remember to put lettuce on it. She also doesn’t know how to toast. Immunity pin is sparkling on her jacket. The judges identify that the sandwiches are poorly assembled and taste boring. How do you stuff up a club sandwich?

Ellie’s three serves of pork belly for the judges has to wait for her backlog to clear. Alana asks her if she’s on top of it. She mumbles something. She serves up two dishes of pork belly. What is wrong with her? She hopes they aren’t for the judges. Of course they are. They judges are pretty unimpressed by the wait and the presentation, but it is competently cooked.

Fifteen minutes to go! This is the peak opportunity to sabotage the blue team. Dani has finally stopped burning the buns. She delivers a steak to the judges well within time that’s nicely cooked and well seasoned. How much food are the judges eating tonight? Some precocious eight year old thinks it’s great.

Ellie is finding this more intense than anything ever. Pretty sure she said that last week. Meanwhile, the blue team are arriving. Which poor bastard is inheriting Ellie’s disaster zone? They are seriously relieved to hear that there are recipes.
Ellie hands over her station to Kate. Poor Kate. Ellie can barely explain what’s happening in front of her. Ellie claims the chef before her didn’t explain properly. True, he didn’t say ‘do the dockets in order’, but that is because he though you were an adult. Michael’s on the grill and Hayden’s on the sauce station.

The blue team are starting to struggle. Hayden is leading by not communicating at all, with anyone. Michael still loves him. The head chef steps in. Kate is trying to find where Ellie has put everything. She’s freaking out but is managing to be more capable than Ellie.

Michael can’t toast his bread. Why is everyone finding toast so hard tonight?

I can make it, for god's sake

It's not that hard

Michael has to start four club sandwiches again. It looks delicious once he figures the toaster out. He gets them to the judges in under twenty minutes. It is worlds better than Dani’s, well presented and delicious.

Hayden is off to a shaky start, in his own words. He is freaking out. I’ve said it before but the guy is not a team player, which is a problem in a commercial kitchen. Michael does his usual trick of taking over as Captain. George points out that it is not enough for Hayden to ignore his team.

Kate seems to have gotten together. She gets her pork belly out in fifteen minutes. It looks good and tastes better. Nice work, Kate. It is judged a winning dish, at Matt’s prompting.

Hayden is burning his fish. When asked, he denies it.  He eventually gets the fish up in time after some serious hassling from the head chef. The three dishes are inconsistently cooked and poorly plated. It is both burnt and cold. Matt does a great impression of Hayden panicking.

screenshot

It looks like this

George tells the blue team it’s time to boom boom, shake the room. His heart isn’t in it. Anna Bligh is here! She wants the salt and pepper squid. I’m sure she will be lovely about it regardless. Sure enough, she is. What a hero.

Demonstrably could outcook them in the middle of a flood

Better than Dani and Ellie

Michael can taste the finals. His steak and chips gets to the judges in nineteen minutes. His steak is nicely presented but sadly overcooked.

John Eels appears out of nowhere! He likes the food well enough. It’s VIP night every night at Qantas.

Time’s up! The blue team apparently have to clean up. That is a hilarious penalty.

The contestants assemble for judging time. Their performance in the kitchen matters, but it’s the food that counts. Gary reckons that Alana was flustered, but at least tried hard. The red team got a dish up late – thanks to Ellie – but not by much. Their fish was perfect, as was the steak. The club sandwich was a complete disaster. Dani’s happiness turns to embarrassment in seconds.

Hayden attempts to justify his poor performance with reference to his team’s disadvantage. Their timing was perfect, and their club sandwich was a standout. It’s all that Neil Perry eats, apparently.  Michael is disproportionately excited at being able to make a sandwich.

By 'cook' I mean 'assemble'

If I can cook it, it is not a Masterchef dish

Matt demands to know how Hayden managed to burn and undercook his fish. It was the worst dish of the day. Hayden is really not doing well today. Will he doom his team?

Yes he will! The red team wins. Dani is happier than anyone else – fair enough, her immunity pin means she’s in the final four. I still am not clear on who Alana is. Dani can’t believe it. Neither can I. George also thinks this is stupid.

See you tomorrow for a high-stakes elimination. My guess: Hayden gets eliminated and Michael cries.

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And we’re back. Once again, Dani is cooking off for immunity. How? I have no idea how this happened either. In the house, Dani seems as surprised as me. She’ll be cooking off against that well-known chef Eamon Sullivan. Wait, what?

Also questionably a 'celebrity'

Not a chef

This is stupid. I know he won Celebrity Masterchef but come on, who’d he beat? Anna Bligh and that woman from the Biggest Loser who refused to use butter in her cooking. At this stage these guys should be going up against actual chefs.

Everyone arrives in the Masterchef kitchen. Matt is really full on today, appalled that Dani is on the precipice of winning immunity twice. Matt Moran is hanging around like a shark. Tonight’s guest chef is Phillipa Sidley, who seems as weird as every other pastry chef that’s been on the show.

Eamon arrives. He appears to be about seven feet tall. We see some footage of him swimming. He seems like a nice man. Ha, he reaches out to shake Dani’s hand then fakes her out! What a champ. Dani thinks it’s strange to be cooking off against an Olympian. Well, yes.

Dani wouldn't be an olympian even if it was

Not an olympic sport

Matt Moran makes a couple of rapid-fire sports puns then leaves with George, Matt Preston and Phillipa. Eamon lifts the lid on his dish – it’s his ten out of ten chocolate delice. It looks delicious – wait, what is it? What, it’s full of crème brulee? Jesus. Here’s the recipe.

Bet that's the first time that one's been done

so delice-ious

Gary eats some and finds his neck tingling. Either it’s delicious or he’s having a stroke. They’ve both got an hour and fifty minutes, but Eamon doesn’t get the recipe. He’s not a chef!

They’re off! Dani’s advantage in having the recipe is ameliorated by having to read it on the stupid Telstra T-Hub screen. Eamon’s just cracking along now. Go Eamon! Oh no – Eamon is about to blend plastic into his pastry. Hayden doesn’t warn him – too busy imagining him diving off the blocks and losing the togs, apparently. No, really.

It’s game on with Eamon! I’m pretty sure Gary used that one in Celebrity Masterchef as well. Dani’s going pretty well, somehow. No, wait, she’s an idiot – she’s putting way too much cocoa powder in. It sucks. Sadly, she decides to make it again.

She reads the ingredients on paper this time and manages to use the correct amount of cocoa. A damning indictment on the T-Hub. Meanwhile, Eamon is worried that he’s overcooked his crème brulee. Michael confirms that he has. Thanks for helping, Michael.

Dani’s onto melting white chocolate, the easiest part of the recipe. She burns it, then drops it on the floor. She ignores it.  Now she’s giggling and asking Eamon for help with her caramel. She stuffs it anyway.

Eamon starts assembling his delice. However, his crème brulee is not quite frozen. Oh no! Will he plate up in time? Probably. Dani is not having similar problems. This sucks.

Ten minutes to go. Time to put the mousse around the biscuit and brulee and whack it back in the freezer. Eamon’s really worried about his delice setting, so puts it back in the freezer. Sadly, he leaves the blast chiller door open. Ellie thinks he’s not taking this seriously. He’s a professional swimmer, he probably isn’t.

Two minutes to go! Dani’s going fine. I hate watching her succeed. Eamon’s delice is close to disaster. He tries to put it back in the fridge but hasn’t realised there’s no time. Alana and Ellie shout at him. It is kind of a disaster. Dani has probably won it. This is outrageous. If she wins another immunity pin I am done with Masterchef; this will be a Bondi Vet blog from here on in.

Hayden could visit to cook

Look at that awesome dog; much better

Dani’s dish is up first. Her dish isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty good. The only problem is the risky caramel, which Moran spots with his perceptive snake eyes. Phillipa agrees, and thinks it’s like glue. Everything else is delicious, blah blah blah.

Eamon’s dish is next. The judges clearly think it’s Dani’s, as it’s collapsed on one side. Structural flaws aside, his caramel is magically delicious and his ganache is great. His overcooked brulee is not so good. Oh no!

Judging time! Eamon gets straight eights! Surely Dani’s dish is not that much better. Dani gets 8 from Phillipa, an eight from awful Matt Moran and then Matt Preston sets her on fire. No, wait, it’s just the ad break. He gives her a nine, but looks embarrassed about it.

Dani wins immunity. This idiot is going to win. Eamon doesn’t really seem to care.  The other contestants, however, are ropeable. Fair enough. Gary demands a gold medal from Eamon at the next Olympics. Alana demands the immunity pin from Dani. Wait, Alana’s still on the show?

Note there's nothing in that bowl

Stealth finalist

See you tomorrow for a recap of last week’s episode of Bondi Vet or something, I don’t know.

We’re back. Everyone’s back in Sydney, and Kate, Billy and Ellie are fighting it out for elimination.  Kate is wearing her lucky macaroni necklace made by her four year old, to remind herself that she’s a mum. Is it that easy to forget?

Sitting by the fire, Ellie fondles her precioussss. Will she use the immunity pin? We quickly recap all her pressure test victories. She’s survived five. I guess she’s good at this. What will the Elliminator do?

She's let herself go

Ellie contemplates using her immunity pin

They arrive in the kitchen and Dani calls Ellie ‘Allie’ again. What is that about? Matt asks her if she’ll use her pin. Gary and George try to trick her into using it. Surprisingly, it doesn’t work. She uses it, and Gary calls her a chicken. This leaves two of the best fighting it out, while Team Idiot is safe.

It’s a traditional pressure test, with a recipe and all the ingredients. The dish, however, is not so straightforward. It is a dessert made by Katrina Kanetani, world-reknown pastry chef.  They will be cooking Autumn. Wait, what? God pastry chefs are weird.

Lot of fibre, though

Not a dish.

Katrina lifts the lid to reveal an incredibly complicated looking dish – a square of blackcurrent jelly, a mousse, slow baked rhubarb, rose cannoli and a ton of other stuff. Billy doesn’t even know how to eat it. The pressure points are the blackcurrant, the cannoli and the rhubarb.

They’re off! In an action-packed first few minutes, they read the recipe, then read it again. To kill time, everyone talks about how hard this challenge is again. Reading is bad television.

i.e. when Geordi La Forge is involved

Except in some circumstances

Billy’s on his cannoli dough. He’s forgotten his cinnamon! Michael reminds him. Don’t worry Billy, it’s only the core flavour of the dough. I am worried for Billy. Kate’s up to her jelly already.George brings over Katrina to bother the contestants. She doesn’t have much to say. She has the same ‘can’t talk to humans’ vibe as Zumbo.

To be fair those cakes look opinionated

'I only talk to the cakes'

Billy is trying to save time with his jelly by putting it in an ice bath. It makes his jelly lumpy. Stop improvising, Billy!

Gary demands to see Kate’s cannoli dough. They tell her it’s wrong, as is her jelly. They are less impressed with Billy’s jelly. It is lumpy, sure, but a much better colour than Kate’s. He remakes it, and Kate makes her dough.

Billy is multitasking by peeling rhubarb while his plum sauce reduces. Katrina tells him the rhubarb will be cooked when it looks cooked. That is not helpful advice. Billy tops this by reminding George that ‘you’re always under pressure in the pressure test’.

An hour to go! Oh no, now Dani is giving Billy advice. I wouldn’t take her advice. Kate’s on the decorative yuzu cream. Sounds delicious.

looks delicious too

This is a yuzu

Kate’s forgotten her rhubarb and it is wildly overcooked.Billy’s second lot of jelly looks great! Both of them are onto the cannoli filling now. Gary comes and tells Billy that he has to be absolutely perfect. Then he tells him again. Billy brains him with a mixing machine.

Time to rolli canolli – thirty minutes to go! Yes, George actually said that. Obediently, everyone starts rolling their canolli. Billy is making it as thin as possible. Kate gets a serious amount of assistance from Katrina. Her success at the dough is diminished by Gary who identifies that her mousse hasn’t set. Kate whacks it in the blast freezer, who worries that this will create the same problem if it freezes. That is the opposite problem.

Billy’s pastry is too long. His mousse is also in the blast chiller. Come on Billy, don’t muck this up. Katrina comes and listlessly tells Kate to seal her cannoli with egg. She doesn’t really seem into this competition, to be honest.

Because she killed Zumbo with that rolling pin

'There is no Masterchef but me'

Fifteen minutes to go, and they’re still making cannoli. George reckons it would take a professional seven minutes to plate up. Kate’s struggling to get a square of jelly off her tray. This is much harder than she thought it would be.

The nice people from the supermarket lobby have commissioned anther ad to tell us what’s new. Apparently the answer is ‘eggs’. Seriously, eggs?

Kate finally stops using her hands and gets a spatula. Magically, that works. Apparently it’s like handling her newborn baby. You picked up your baby with a spatula?

Seems reasonable

With a spatula of love

Billy’s jelly is perfect but his mousse is the wrong consistency. It’s better than Kate’s mousse. Half of it is frozen solid, and half of it isn’t set. She manages to salvage some with help from George. As usual, nobody is helping Billy.

They’re plating up. Billy is smashing it as usual. Kate is struggling but still manages to get something pretty close up. That is amazing! Billy and Kate hug, then Kate realises that she’s forgotten her flowers. You know what would have been funny? Seeing Ellie trying to do this.

'Oh no, they fell'

'I couldn't make the dish, but I piled these apples up all by myself!'

Judging time. Katrina gives one-word answers to Gary. Billy’s first, and his dish looks amazing. He admits to a few hiccups, but is happy overall. Katrina is pretty happy with the presentation, but George is unimpressed with the mousse. Gary demands a full cannoli as they taste. The pastry is perfect, but the jelly lacks flavour and the mousse tastes weird. The cannoli filling doesn’t really have the rosewater flavour, but the rhubarb is great. Oh no, Billy!

Kate is up. Her dish looks completely ridiculous after seeing Billy’s. Katrina coldly catalogues everything that’s wrong about the dish. They taste, and it turns out the rhubarb is undercooked. Her mousse is perfect, as are her cannoli. Are her flavours enough to boot off Billy again? I hope not.

Decision time! Kate was lured into Masterchef by watching people like her learn and grow in the previous two seasons. Her dream is to open a B&B with a proper restaurant. Matt has enjoyed seeing Billy come out of his shell. So has Australia! He has learnt to believe in himself. This is overwhelmingly heartwarming.

But one of them has to go. This sucks. Kate is safe. Billy is eliminated for the second time. This is even more disappointing than the first time. Meanwhile, Ellie and Dani are sitting in the Masterchef house giggling inanely. Katrina offers both of them a job.

Since leaving Masterchef Billy has continued his blog – www.atablefortwo.com.au – and is hosting private dessert events. Hope he opens a dessert bar next to my house soon.

We’re back. Tonight, the final seven are cooking lunch for His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. No, really. The actual Dalai Lama. On a reality TV show about cooking. George will presumably force him to yell a bad pun at the contestants. Can’t wait!

Seriously, how is this happening

I'm sure this will be a dignified and respectful experience

They’ve arrived back in Sydney. A mysterious letter arrives telling them they’re going to Melbourne now! The letter includes a mysterious quote about food being the root of relationships. Who could it be from? Dani squeals ‘who is it’? If only Goth Matt was still here to look it up on his smartphone.

They arrive in Melbourne. Michael is terrified of the Melbourne Convention Centre. Fair enough. They arrive, and the banquet room has been transformed into a fake temple. Dani feels a sense of peace. Shut up, Dani.

Gary does the ‘who am I’ introduction of the Dali Lama.  Billy grew up in a Buddhist family and is taking this appropriately seriously. Everyone else laughs. It’s a vegetarian challenge, with everyone making one dish. That’s awesome – the first vegetarian challenge, and it’s the episode after Sun the ex-vegetarian gets the boot.

And vegetables

The box is full of hate

They have three hours to cook one dish. There will be a winner and a bottom three. George encourages them to make a joyful dish. I would focus on ‘please do not poison the Dalai Lama’. Kylie Kwong – a practicing Buddhist – will be in the kitchen helping them to achieve this goal. She is lovely!

Kylie tells them the Dalai Lama hates sour food, but loves his carbs and coriander. You learn something every day. He will not be mean about bad food that’s put in front of him, apparently. Well, yes, he is the Dalai Lama.

They arrive in the kitchen. Dani is excited by the challenge, while Michael looks like he’s about to vomit. He’s wearing his lucky horrible checked shirt. They’re off! Michael’s making goats cheese tortellini with a borsch broth. He wants to show His Holiness his love of beetroot. Weird.

Classic schoolyard romance

Michael's first and only love

Kate is making a dessert – coconut pudding with papaya mousse. Sadly the papaya sucks. Kylie suggests magosteen instead.  It’s perfect. Meanwhile, Alana is making a chickpea tagine, bread and cheese fingers. So, basically she’s trying to cook everything Kylie mentioned that His Holiness enjoys.

Billy is making an actual, recognised dish. It’s Buddha’s Delight – stirfried mushrooms wrapped in beancurd sheets, with dumplings in some kind of broth. Kylie is a big fan. He is the only person consistently remembering to call the Dalai Lama ‘His Holiness’.Ellie is making a mushroom and cheese filled gnocchi roll – so, the same thing as Michael minus the beetroot. Her family loves it. Hayden’s making clear Japanese soup with egg noodles. He thinks the clearness signifies Buddhism. It signifies ‘correctly made soup’.

Dani is making a Sri Lankan curry. She’s never opened a coconut before, and makes Kylie show her how. Shock news: you hit it with a cleaver. Dani nearly takes her hand off. Kylie’s anxiety watching her is palpable.

I wouldn't trust her with safety scissors

Would you trust Dani with one of these?

Two hours to go. Kate is rattled. She’s struggling with the coconut machine, whatever that is. As she is an adult, she does not demand someone do it for her. Ellie thinks the vibe in the kitchen is far less competitive. I think that is directly related to Sun not being there. Actually, they all just seem really jetlagged.

His Holiness arrives in the kitchen. Everyone freaks out. Of course they do! His Holiness mucks around with Dani’s spices for a bit, then tells Billy his dish is very good. What a champ! He laughs at Ellie and Michael – the correct response. He goes and looks at the cheese, then gives Kate some kind of seed and leaves, laughing. That was great.

hey ladies

Surprisingly funny guy

It turns out Ellie doesn’t know how to make gnocchi. Why did she choose to make this? Michael does know how to make pasta, to his credit. Dani is wasting time again, and realises that she’s stuffed with an hour ago. Nobody else spent the first two hours dawdling, Dani.

Hayden explains the concept of ‘clear’. Thanks mate. Forty-five minutes to go, and Kylie is looking worried. Kate is baffled by the industrial oven. It does look incredibly complicated. Meanwhile, Michael has forgotten his candied walnuts. They are stuffed. He wanders around with a smoking pan for five minutes. Kate has turned the oven down unwittingly on Alana’s pumpkin pieces. They may not cook. Kate is the only person who can get away with this. I believe it was an accident.

Ellie is starting to panic, right on time. Gary comes and makes her dish for her. So, a normal night on Masterchef. My girlfriend is making gnocchi right now about ten times quicker than Ellie and without panicking or crying. Let’s see whose dish turns out better!

Half an hour to go. Dani thinks it’s getting hectic. George turns up, looking dead on his feet. He half-heartedly says that Ellie’s in a world of pain. Go to bed, George! Ellie admits that her dish was a terrible choice. Turns out she can only cook in New York.

Everyone is in trouble except Billy, as far as I can tell. On the communal stovetop, someone’s turned up the burner under Hayden’s soup. Lot of sabotage going on today. Kate is also panicking, unusually.

Dani has pushed so often it broke

It has been pushed

Fifteen minutes to go! Michael is going great guns, and has time to redo his crazy walnuts. Dani shouts out ‘this is how you make roti’. Nobody cares, Dani. Gary reminds everyone that they cannot be late for the Dalai Lama.

Five minutes to go, and Ellie is on track to serve up a plate of undercooked mush. She cries. Kate’s puddings are also not going great – they’re only half cooked. Cut the undercooked half off! She doesn’t. Alana is smashing it.

Ellie has made a tea-towel full of goo. It is too bad to plate up. She will instead be serving a plate of sautéed mushrooms. Kylie reminds Ellie that His Holiness is not going to be mean to her. The judges, on the other hand, may well be.

His Holiness enters the fake temple, greeted by chanting monks and…Matt Preston strangely wearing a white scarf. Tim Costello from World Vision Australia, Shanaka Fernando from Lentil As Anything, Bill Crews from the Exodus Foundation and Ronni Khan from OzHarvest are joining them for lunch.

Kylie Kwong leads the contestants in to show His Holiness the food. His Holiness starts laughing again. I may convert to Buddhism. Hayden’s up first, shaking like a leaf. Poor little guy. His dish looks great, as do Alana and Dani’s. Billy’s Buddha’s delight goes down well, but His Holiness looks askance at Michael’s fancy plating. Kate addresses him as Dalai Lama. That’s not his name, mate.

There is a resemblance

Kate thinks this is His Holiness's uncle

Ellie’s failure mushrooms are last. She makes a big embarrassing deal about her failure, and cries. The Dalai Lama does not really care, but pats her hand in an attempt to stop her crying. Dani wishes she cried too. His Holiness blesses the food. Then Tim Costello does. Then Shanaka. Then Bill. Then Ronni.  The food is now extremely religious but also cold.

They’re serving the dishes one by one to everyone now. Hayden’s soup is very good. Ronni likes the thing where the clear soup represented clarity. Alana’s dish is a big hit with Tim Costello. Dani’s dish is very authentically Sri Lankan and her bread is delicious. His Holiness is a big fan. Bill Cruse likes the plates.

Billy’s dish is next. Gary thinks his broth is not as good as Hayden’s. His Holiness likes it better, though. Gary is annoyed. Michael’s dish is extraordinary, apparently. The candied walnuts make it.

Ellie’s failure mushrooms are lucky last. Dani has decided to help her. She pan-fries her goop roll and serves it. Meanwhile I am eating homemade gnocchi that is perfect and delicious. Go home, Ellie. It looks pretty ridiculous and tastes largely of flour. His Holiness thinks she tried her best. Correct! Sadly it is not good enough.

Kate’s dessert is last. The pudding is delicious, but the coriander custard is predictably ridiculous. His Holiness, asked what he thinks of the food, says he doesn’t really know much about food and is happy to eat anything. Says it all.

His Holiness comes to thank the contestants, and explains that he is not willing to pass judgement on a reality TV show because he is an actual spiritual leader. The producers really should have checked that out before planning this.

'I was told this was a charity function'

The Dalai Lama asks 'what are you doing, Masterchef'

Gary, George and Matt have no religious qualms about judging.  Dani and Michael are the top two. Dani wins again! By using Kumar’s recipe. She better not win another immunity pin tomorrow. Matt tells Michael that if he’s always in the final two, he’ll always be in the final two.

Alana and Hayden were the middle of the pack, leaving Billy, Kate and Ellie as the bottom three and facing a pressure test tomorrow. But His Holiness preferred Billy’s soup to Hayden’s! That is ridiculous.

See you tomorrow as the immunity pin saves Ellie and dooms a competent contestant to go home.

We’re back. Apologies for no blog yesterday. Hayden and Dani lost last night, so they’ll be cooking off in an elimination death match along with Sun and Billy. Billy better win.

Sun, blank and emotionless, has no strong views on who will lose out tonight. Dani vaguely acknowledges how terribly she’s done this week, then cries. Billy is gearing up to smash it, and Hayden has bought himself a New York hat.

They’re wearing white rather than black! The better to see the Westpac logo, I guess.

'Do you take Westpac? You better"

Gail speaks, and Masterchef obeys

They arrive in the heart of Harlem. Matt Preston is wearing a white suit and a pink shirt.  Wow. Matt Moran is also here. What has he been doing the rest of the week? They’ll be cooking soul food at Sylvia’s, which has been run by three generations of the Woods family. The whole family will be coming to lunch! Apparently the main ingredient in every dish is love. Dani thinks that she knows how to cook with love, and is relieved. Dani, you can put in all the love you want, it won’t help if you do everything else wrong.

They’re cooking four dishes – three mains, and then a different side dish each. No recipes, which freaks Dani out. At least she knows about the love. They’re all making barbeque ribs, fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. So delicious.

Dani has only ever made macaroni from a box, which she feels the need to share to Matt Preston’s great embarrassment. He tries to recover by asking her to compare and contrast. She identifies cheese flavours. Just go home now, Dani.

The box don't lie

Hey, it says 'the cheesiest' right there on the box

The side dishes are collard greens, candied yams, a crazy-looking potato salad, okra gumbo and black eyed peas. As Hayden’s cooked collard greens and candied yams already this week, he doesn’t get them – he’ll be making the gumbo. Sun gets stuck with the potato salad and Billy gets both collard greens and black eyed peas, which are apparently the easiest. Go Billy! This leaves Dani with the candied yams.

They only get ninety minutes. What? They’re off. Matt Moran starts unhelpfully yelling at them to hurry. Sun immediately panics. Meanwhile, Alana and Ellie are enjoying their reward lunch. They won? What is even happening this week? Alana is wearing some serious bling.

Back in the death kitchen. Sun and Dani helpfully recap everything that just happened. Hayden immediately realises there’s three friers for four fried batches of fried chicken. Smart man. Dani and Billy also work it out, and start gunning the chicken. Sun decides to do her potato salad first. I’m sure that will go well.

Dani asks Kenneth for help. Kenneth refuses to help her cheat. His face, however, reveals his opinion on her decision to use sugar syrup on her yams: it’s totally wrong. Kenneth should replace Matt Moran. He tells Hayden to put some love into his okra.

As far as I can tell 'love' means 'extra butter'

Love it good

Sun is struggling to break down her chicken. Matt eggs Kenneth into hassling the contestants. Sixty minutes to go! Kenneth is worried about the fact that everyone’s doing it completely wrong, particularly Dani. Uh oh, Billy’s chicken might also be wrong. Marinating in buttermilk does sound like a strange thing to do. No worries, though, because Sun’s done a terrible job.

Billy’s making three-cheese macaroni. Thirty minutes to go. This is so intense! Kenneth tests Billy’s collard greens, which are bland. Billy fixes it. Dani, meanwhile, is adding sugar to her sauce. Wait, no, she’s confused salt and sugar. Yep, Dani’s just dumped a cup of salt into her sauce. Adding that much sugar also seems really extreme.

Back from the ad break we replay Dani’s moment of triumph, with a different camera angle that reveals exactly how clearly labelled the salt container is. Hayden is being careful not to overcook his mush. Billy’s pretty happy with his black eyed peas.

This joke was compulsory

Fair enough, they're very authentic

Dani is asking for even more help from Kenneth. He takes pity on her and tells her to season her macaroni. Fifteen minutes to go, and Sylvia’s family are arriving. Sun’s been struggling away in the background. She thinks she’s in trouble.

Matt does not want to eat raw chicken, so starts dropping hints about cooking time. Hayden and Billy get their chicken in pretty quickly. Dani sulks, but is aware of the number of fryers. She shoves her hand in the hot oil, then yelps in surprise.

With less than ten minutes to go, Sun finally realises that there are only three fryers. She whinges, and demands a fryer. Hayden has no sympathy, and in fact winds her up, telling her she needed to work faster. Sun nearly stabs him. Get stuffed, Sun, you had as much time as everyone else.  She complains that he’s not being gentlemanly. You are in a competition, Sun, harden up.

Even adorable ones

There is no place in Masterchef for gentlemen

Sun finally gets her chicken in, with minutes to go. Dani wastes time complaining about her hand, and burns her chicken. She cries, and Matt Moran calls it creole. Two minutes to go, and Sun doesn’t even have a potato salad. She’s in full sulk mode. Sadly she is not as cute as Dani so no judges appear to help her out.

Time’s up! Sun or Dani are going home. What a result. Three generations of cooks are about to judge them.

Sun’s up first. The chicken and potato salad look and taste awful. The macaroni doesn’t have enough cheese or seasoning. The chicken is raw. There are no redeeming features of the dish. No wait, the ribs are kind of edible. Wow. Bleak.

Hayden’s food is next. His ribs look really weird, but the macaroni and the chicken looks good. His macaroni is delicious, but the ribs are terrible. The gumbo is undercooked and has used the wrong bits of the okra. An average performance from the lifeguard chef.

Dani’s up. She likes the way her food smells. I also like the smell of burnt chicken. The judges are considerably less impressed than she is with the way it looks. Story of Dani’s life. She hopes her poor performance in the kitchen hasn’t translated onto the plate. That is ludicrous. The chicken’s surprise perfect inside, though, and her ribs are delicious.

Billy’s next. His plate is the first one that I want to eat. Everything looks how it should, according to Kenneth. The black eyed peas are perfect, as is the fried chicken and the macaroni. So much victory music. He has also included love! This is why Billy is the best. The Woods nearly offer him a job.

Decision time! Billy is clearly safe, so I no longer really care about the outcome. Worst elimination ever – not only do you get booted, you also have to get on a special failure flight right back to Australia.

'Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to seat 10D, you will see a loser'

Hope the pilot makes an announcement

Hayden is so competitive. Sun, asked if she’d like to be the next masterchef, says ‘I guess’. Matt asks why Dani has started to suck so much this week. She explains that she has zero coping or problem solving skills. Billy is just having a rad time exploring New York, and talks about his dessert bar again. I am stoked about this dessert bar.

Sun pretends to be surprised that her chicken was raw. We see another shot of Dani’s candied yams, which are totally wrong. Matt reiterates that everything about Billy’s dish was great. He is safe! He’s so pleased. What a lovely guy.

Dani is also safe, through no fault of her own. It’s down to Hayden and Sun, much to Hayden’s surprise. Flameball! It’s got to be Sun.

We’re back. Hayden is safe. Sun loses! Finally. Will Matt Preston go a ‘today the Sun sets’ joke? No. Too harsh. She’s feeling strangely calm. That is because you do not have the ability to display human emotion. Her highlight reel does not feature any dishes she’s actually cooked. Amazing how far middle of the pack will take you.

Billy says something nice. Dani says they’ve had highs and lows. Full on. She hugs the judges and leaves, claiming to feel happy. As usual, absolutely no expression shows on her face. Is this a Hare Krishna thing?

They had just been told that Sun got the boot

Nah, they look pretty stoked

Everyone is enjoying awesome-looking bar food waiting for the survivors. Michael is anxious about Hayden. Nobody looks like they’re missing Sun. Kate asks after her, out of obligation.

Sun is greeted by family and friends on her return home. She wants to work in food media, whatever that is. Since leaving Masterchef she has started a blog: sunetheridge.com. Billy had a blog before starting Masterchef. Hell, Goth Matt had a blog. UPDATE: Sun’s blog is lame.

See you tomorrow as Matt Moran makes everyone feel slightly uncomfortable. Dali Lama on Sunday! No, really.

We’re back. Everyone’s still in New York. Ellie won last night’s UN Catering Challenge, and will be cooking off for immunity. No, I can’t believe it either. Meanwhile, Billy and Sun are in lockdown, and facing elimination on Thursday. This is bizarro Masterchef.

We’re replaying Ellie’s best moments. They’re all from pressure tests. She’s wearing an ‘I Heart NY’ shirt under her chef whites and a ludicrous bow in her hair. She walks from her hotel to Central Park, looking like a complete doofus.

Seconds after this photo was taken, she dropped the bottle then giggled

More than usual

Ellie can’t believe they’re in Central Park. George can’t believe Ellie actually won something. The weather looks perfect. George says ‘make your mark in central park’ three times until everyone finally laughs to put him out of his misery. Tonight’s guest judge is the queen of Italian grandmothers, Lidia Bastianich. Ellie watches her TV show and knows who she is, to Matt’s visible relief. Could have been embarrassing.

Lidia tells Ellie that tonight she’ll be cooking against a Tuscan lion with the scent of rosemary all over him. Ellie, who doesn’t understand metaphor, is worried. She’s relieved when it is Cesare Casella and not an actual lion.

what even is that animal he's eating?

Cesare Casella preparing his signature dish

Ellie is apparently good at Italian food. Cesare flirts with Ellie, earning Hayden’s ire. He has a small rosemary bush in his top pocket. It is his version of Matt’s cravat, but with a more absurd story. Kate thinks that between Cesare’s playfulness and Ellie’s destructiveness not a lot of cooking is going to get done. She’s probably right. Kate clearly doesn’t have much time for Ellie.

Tonight they’ll be cooking a dish with its origins in the fifteenth century. Pease pudding? Ellie is baffled, somewhat unsurprisingly. Cesare lifts the lid and declares that it’s a pasta. Gary forces him to give in more detail. Cesare complies – in Italian.

It’s pasta with a meat sauce. Ellie thinks it’ll be easy. You have to cook it well, Ellie, that is the trap for you.

I'm sure Hayden would still love her personality

Admiral Akbar, Ellie is not

She’s tasting a lot of different meats. It looks so delicious. Gary identifies the pressure points as being the entire dish. Ellie doesn’t get a head start, and only gets a recipe for the pasta. She has to rely on her palate for the sauce. She’s stuffed.

Ellie thinks that winning today would be the icing on a new york cheesecake. They don’t have icing. No reason Ellie should know that, she’s only on Masterchef.

There is 'reinventing' and then there is 'doing it wrong'

See?

They’re off. Ellie in the interview box is pretending she didn’t even really try, leading me to suspect she didn’t win. That and the fact she’s useless. Cesare is managing to gun it and flirt with Ellie simultaneously. They’re starting on their pasta. Ellie’s ahead – not for long, as her dough is not working at all at all. She wanders over to demand help. Stop cheating, Ellie.

Cesare can see that she’s helpless and starts bringing her the ingredients she needs in attempt to get her to relax. He is really not taking this seriously. Now Ellie’s asking Gary for help. This is the part she has the recipe for.

Gary pretends he’s in an indoor kitchen, in a reaction shot clearly filmed hours after the challenge. Ellie’s frying onion and all of the meats. She’s decided to make a sauce she likes rather than the sauce she tastes. Cesare makes her put rosemary in her pocket. Ellie thinks it’s lovely. I think it’s weird.

I’m really finding it hard to care about this episode. I don’t want Ellie to win, but she’s getting so much help she’s clearly not going to completely fail. Boring.

Cesare is now pouring drinks! Ok, now I think he’s great. Ellie doesn’t want her drink. Ellie, stop being such an ingrate. Gary is enjoying his cocktail. Ellie is finding things tricky and wants to quit. So, it’s a normal day in the Masterchef kitchen.

Thirty minutes to go! They’re on to the sauce. Ellie is immediately wrong. Cesare helps her. As usual, Ellie has absolutely no ability to manage her time. She thinks her sauce is yummy. Sure.

Ellie starts whinging. Cesare, who doesn’t care about this competition at all, teaches her how to do all of the dish. Ellie whinges to Gary, who stands firm and doesn’t give her any hints for once. Ellie goes to taste Cesare’s sauce. It is, astonishingly, better looking than hers. Ellie disagrees, and thinks she’s going to win. Cesare reckons he’d hire Ellie.

Ten minutes. Cesare is just wandering around again. Ellie doesn’t know how to cook her pasta. Even Cesare is getting bored of helping her. The families boating behind them are also unimpressed.

'stop laughing we'll capsise and drown'

'Who's that idiot cooking against Cesare?"

Two minutes to go. Both of them plate up easily. This is the least rushed challenge ever. Cesare grates parmesan for Ellie. Ellie just can’t believe she got to cook in Central Park, and clearly doesn’t really care about Cesare or know who he is. Cesare hugs her, and Hayden’s brain nearly explodes.

Judging time! Ellie just will not shut up about being in a park. There are better places to cook. Matt Preston saw Cesare’s sleazy looks and reckons that Ellie would have gotten a lot of help. Correct! Lidia agrees. Cesare is up first. It’s got a bit too much sauce for Lidia, but still looks pretty good. It is also delicious, with surprisingly complex flavours. George loves it. The pasta is slightly undercooked and too thick. Oh no! Lidia is doing five points for the sauce, and five points for the pasta. That is not how it works.

Sadly ignored

A message for Lidia

Ellie’s dish is next. It looks much fancier, and has the perfect amount of sauce. The pasta is somehow cooked perfectly. The sauce is a bit overcooked and bland, though. Will Lidia’s stupid scoring method ruin everything and deliver Ellie an immunity pin? It may well, given that a tie is as good as a win for contestants.

Decision time. Hayden hopes Ellie wins. The judges don’t really look surprised when the order is revealed. Cesare gets a seven from George and Lidia and an eight from Matt. He doesn’t look too pleased. It was the pasta that let him down.

Ellie gets an eight from Matt, who appears to be wearing a tiny rosary on his lapel. Lidia also gives her an eight. Oh, come on! George loves the ‘expensive sauce with all that beautiful ingredients’ but likes the pasta more, and gives her an eight. She has won.

I rarely feel things that can't be expressed by cat pictures

This is exactly how I feel

I cannot believe Ellie has won immunity. Neither can she. I agree, Ellie, it is ridiculous. Hayden is pleased for her. Cesare is happy because the pretty lady is happy.  Kate is appalled. Dani wants to see Ellie in the finals. I would too, if I had to pick one of them to cook off against.

Cesare has another challenge for Ellie. He wants her to come back to his place and look at his etchings – no, it’s just a surprise masterclass. Gary tells her she can’t refuse. Creepy. He half-heartedly shows her a risotto recipe then just tries to get her drunk.

See you tomorrow as Ellie presumably heads straight back to elimination.

Aaaand we’re back – in New York this week. I only caught the tail end of last night’s episode, but that was more than enough. Sun lost hugely, it was great. As a result she is apparently locked in her hotel room alone for the rest of the week. To celebrate this flagrant breach of human rights, the rest of the team are going to be cooking at the United Nations today.

You know what would be great? If there was a little box in the corner of the screen broadcasting Sun-Cam throughout tonight as she sits around looking sad in a hotel room. Michael won yesterday, and got a mysterious black envelope containing his advantage. He has the recipes for today and gets to choose who cooks what. He is openly trying to kneecap people. Awesome.

Dani tries to get him to spill the beans as the contestants meet for breakfast. He nearly does. Hey, Sun is there! Worst lockdown ever. An anonymous waiter delivers an invitation to the United Nations from the Australian ambassador. Who even is the Australian ambassador to the UN?

if not, why not

I assume

Ellie thinks the UN building is the centre of the world. I’m pretty sure she meant that literally.

She's such a muppet

Qantas can get you anywhere

They arrive at the assembly hall. Gary, George and Matt are at the podium. The contestants are overwhelmed. This is making me think less of the UN, to be honest. Gary looks pretty comfortable at that podium. Kevin Rudd better watch out.

The meeting of the permanent forum on Indigenous issues is concluding, and the Australian Mission is hosting a function for the delegates – all three hundred of them, from every member state. They each have to cook one canapé, prepped offsite then transported an hour before service. The guests will be voting.

As usual, the winner cooks for immunity. The loser goes into lockdown with Sun, then straight into elimination. Matt talks up how ludicrous this whole thing is is, before George elbows him out of the podium. The king of canapés will be setting the menu! Who? No idea.

They arrive in the off-site kitchen. Amando Something is the king of canapés. No crown. The canapés are thai beef salad in a cup, deconstructed vichyssoise, mini tacos, smoked duck breast in a spoon, seared tuna with wasabi peas on a fork, meringue and cumquat curd and some extremely fiddly chocolate lollypops (with edible glitter.)

I think Dani is thinking of glitter 90% of the time

Delicious!

Michael reveals the set list. Alana’s making the Thai beef salad, and the vichyssoise goes to Billy, who reckons nobody likes soup. Michael picks the tacos. The duck goes to Ellie, and Kate is stuck with the tuna, her nemesis. Hayden gets the meringue spoon. Michael is expressly trying to make him look good. Dani gets the death lollipops. She is rooted.

They’re off! Michael is fixated on not accidently making nachos. Kate has a piece of tuna that is bigger than her children. It is seriously huge. She can’t lift it by herself. She gets stuck in though. Imagine Sun trying to do this.

Actually it was bigger

Gary presents Kate with her ingredients

George eventually comes over to help her, advising her to cut off chunks of fish rather than trying for the world’s largest fillet. She considers filleting Michael, who is oblivious. Ellie has to break down twenty-five ducks. I am not convinced she can break down one. George agrees, and comes to tell her how to do it. She pretends to understand.

Billy is really shirty about this soup. The challenge is making the soups layer correctly. He’s working way too slowly. Meanwhile, Kate has done a great job getting a workable fillet of tuna out. Alana is going ok, as usual is not very interesting.

Everything about the lollipops is a challenge for Dani. Hayden is making his desserts in fifty-portion batches. Interesting choice! Total waste of time. He will be making the meringue at the UN, as well as plating everything up. Interesting choice.

Two hours to go, and the judges are worried. Fair enough. Dani has barely done anything. Ellie is attempting to smoke duck. She looks even more confused than usual by the smoking machine, and starts quacking and waving. She doesn’t know how much smoke to use, so giggles rather than asking.

Billy is peeling thirty-two potatoes. He nearly loses a thumb at around potato five. He finally finishes, and realises he needs another thirty-two. He loses it.  Michael should really watch himself.

Dani is in the wee, according to Hayden, and is cutting her hand up rather than the chocolate. Hold the knife by the handle, Dani. Michael thinks he’s multitasking. Looks more like he’s just standing around dropping things.

An hour to go, and Ellie’s smoking seems to have worked. Now she’s cooking the duck. She can’t find any salt. Dani has finally moved onto piping. She doesn’t understand how a piping bag works. She’s having trouble, so basically decides to quit. Billy sets his soup on fire somehow, but eventually gets to the world’s largest stick blender.

Billy is rocking those jorts

Screenshot

George takes pity on Dani and tells her to give up on the squiggles, and just make circle chocolate pops. Lame. Dani refuses to accept that she doesn’t have time to do the squiggles. Then she cries and walks away. Flameball!

Now she’s crying in the commentary box. George tells her that it’s not hard, and asks her to trust him. He’s going to help her. Cheating! This was clearly Dani’s plan. She tells Michael she hates him. Michael, predictably, cannot cope.

George is basically cooking the dish for Dani now. This is outrageous. She has to go. Meanwhile, Kate is making kilos and kilos of spice rub. George takes time out from doing Dani’s job to declare that this ain’t your backyard barbie, it’s the United Nations! True.

Gary has spotted the giant blender, and wants a go. It looks awesome actually. He makes up for his help by telling Billy he’s in trouble. It’s true, as Billy has chosen not to peel his artichokes. Michael is not coping well with everyone’s newfound hatred of him.

Alana is using a cleaver in the least safe way ever. We haven’t seen her do anything really. She is so comfortable in the middle of the pack. Ten seconds! Hayden is seriously going to separate enough egg whites for three hundred meringues in an hour? This was a mistake.

The UN kitchen is huge. They have an hour. Hayden is starting to get worried that he doesn’t have time to make the meringue. He’s trying to measure the sugar by eye. That is ridiculous. Ellie tries to use a mandolin and promptly severs an artery, spraying blood all over her shirt. Rather than seeking medical help, she stands around like an idiot.

We come back from the adbreak and Ellie’s catastrophe is replayed. UN medics treat her. They are really serious about it. Alana decides to be sure not to cut her finger. George starts cutting her duck for her. He is such a sucker for the pretty ladies.

Billy is using a crazy metal cone to pipe his soup. His white soup is not the right consistency, and isn’t layering properly on top of the green soup. Oh no! Gary suggests adding cream to Billy’s soup. Gary is a total genius. It magically works.

Five minutes! Hayden’s meringue looks like a poo, according to him He is aware of his shaky hands. Is it something other than nerves? As usual it doesn’t slow him down. The waiters arrive. Dani demands that the waiters smile as they hand out her failure lollipops. If she wins there will be trouble.

Can't believe she's still in the show

Get the barricades ready

The judges circulate. At least one person leaves thinking that Matt Preston is the Prime Minister.

Strong leadership

PM Preston stares down the opposition leader on the carbon tax

The waiters are bored, and three of them start hitting on Ellie. Hayden starts shouting for service. His waiters are still hitting on Ellie, who is encouraging them to try and rig the vote for her. They are just ignoring him and his meringue spoons. This challenge is terrible. Ellie is gunning it, which indicates that it is problematic.

George is super jealous of the waiters. Nobody wants Billy’s soup, as it’s soup. The Australian Ambassador shills Masterchef. Is this actually happening? This can’t have helped Australia in our bid to be taken seriously as a real country.

Super cute though

Doesn't help that this is the actual ambassador

The judges like Ellie’s duck, as do the guests. Alana’s beef salad is tasty but hard to eat. Michael’s taco looks awesome and is delicious. Kate’s tuna is perfect, but Billy’s soup is average and under-seasoned. Billy has been kneecapped. George declares Hayden’s dish a winner before eating it. Gary’s taste test confirms it. Dani’s disaster tastes like nice chocolate, as that is what it is made of.

We’re done. I am very worried about Billy. If Dani doesn’t lose it will be totally outrageous. They return to the general assembly for the decisions. This is totally ridiculous. How did they get permission to film here?

Three hundred votes cast. The top two were separated by five votes. It’s Ellie and Hayden. Ellie can barely cope with not being in the pressure test. Michael pretends to be happy for them. Ellie wins! She can’t even speak. It’s her first win. Matt is frankly incredulous. Hayden is incredibly patronising.

No winners without losers. The bottom two were divided by three points. Dani and Billy are at the bottom. Billy just got stuck with lame soup. The loser, with only seventeen votes, is Billy. No!

Manifestly unfair. Dani should have points deducted for having had George cook half her dish for her. Billy is not looking forward to being in lockdown with Sun. Well, who would be.

See you tomorrow as Ellie burns central park to the ground.