Archive for the ‘Episode Recap’ Category

Apparently this episode contains mild coarse language. I need an adult.

One of the boys will be going home tonight. I hope it’s Matt or Andrew, as it’s entirely their fault the boy’s team lost. Really I’d like to see the back of Jay but he’s not the most incompetent person there. Jay is also gunning for Matt and Andrew; he’s clearly been preparing for the same two-person challenge as last time.

Joke’s on him! Everyone’s going to be cooking. Everyone who isn’t Matt and Andrew looks pretty disappointed. When grilled on their role as the agents of failure, Matt and Andrew take half-hearted responsibility. They’re both terrible.

Meanwhile, the ladies are having a five-course lunch at the Manly Pavillion. They’re also getting a masterclass on risotto – this is a huge advantage as nobody can actually cook this. This chef pretends he doesn’t watch Masterchef. Yeah right, ‘the judges told you’ that risotto is a death dish on the show. You’re not fooling anyone, Barthelmess.

Back in the kitchen. Hayden doesn’t use his immunity pin. Can he pull it out at literally any time, or just when the challenge starts? It’s not clear. Either way, he’s playing the numbers – probably smart given the fools he’s standing next to.

They’ll be cooking three rounds – the six who do worst in the first round have to cook again, then the worst two face off. They get to cook whatever they want, with an open pantry. This seems easy.

Just as the contestants start to relax Gary tells them they’ll be short of one crucial ingredient. Is it butter? No, it’s time. They’ve only got ten minutes! Peter nearly spews. This is a great Nastychef innovation, which is presumably why the bad cops Moran and Gary are the only judges.

rejected title sequence

Just imagine one is bald and the other is fat.

They’re off! The rush for the pantry nearly turns into a brawl. Andrew hip-checks Kumar. Not okay! These guys are just crashing into each other. They’re all out in under a minute. This is pretty impressive.  It would take me ten minutes to even find anything in that pantry, let alone think of something to cook.

Most people are playing to their strengths – Billy’s making prawns, Jay is making scallops again, Seamus is making the same sashimi dish he always makes. He’s got a more limited repertoire than I do, and I specialise in jaffles.

Plus the pony is better looking

This pony's one trick is more entertaining than Seamus's.

With seconds to go Michael realises that he’s forgotten his lemon wedge. He breaks the land-speed record getting to the pantry and back. The man can run! By some miracle everyone plates up. Matt’s embarrassed by his dish. He should be. He’s made a tiny hunk of mince with a broken egg on top.

Judging time! Jay’s scallop and choritzo is competent but boring, like him. Billy’s prawns are raw – so are Peter’s! Kumar’s made something inexplicable. Michael’s lemon wedge has elevated his dish to ‘perfect’. Seamus has cut up a bit of fish and put it on a plate. Andrew’s omelette is pathetic. Craig, Hayden and Adam have made nice things that barely get a second of airtime. It’s pretty clear how this is going to go.

Sure enough, Seamus, Peter, Billy, Kumar and Andrew are cooking again. I think this is boiling down to a Matt vs Andrew event regardless.

This time they’ve got fifteen minutes. Lame. I was hoping they’d get quicker and quicker until they were forced to cook in ninety seconds.

Everyone appears to be making basically the same thing again. Gary and Matt Moran stand directly behind Andrew saying that he’s doing it wrong.  Then they do it again to Matt. So awesome. They can hear you! Seamus burns all of the delicious parts of his dish. Nice work.

Judging again. Billy has made a better version of his last dish. Seamus’s dish is boring, and he stupidly talks it down. Stop doing that! Matt has made lamb cutlets, which are the first piece of meat he’s competently cooked yet, but have a ‘tainted’ flavour, which doesn’t sound great.

Peter’s Thai salad is perfect. Kumar’s prawns are marred by the presence of huge chunks of ginger, which Gary eats.

Andrew is so pleased with his presentation. He’s wrapped whole sardines in proschiutto and put it on toast. Appetising! Gary has no idea how to eat it. Matt Moran gives it a go then spits his mouthful out. I’m warming to him.

The final two are Andrew and Seamus. Seamus? How did Goth Matt escape? This is appalling.  Andrew is here to heal his soul, crushed in a workplace accident. What? Reality TV cooking shows are not a substitute for therapy.

But he feels pretty anyway

Not a qualified psychiatrist.

They’ve got twenty minutes. Seamus is making the same thing as last time, hopefully without stuffing it up. He helps Andrew find the asparagus in the pantry. Don’t do that. Again, it’s not that Andrew can’t see it, he just doesn’t know what it is.

Andrew’s making steak. The last time he did this he served a raw hunk of meat the size of his head.  Now he’s using a super-thin steak! This will hopefully end badly for him.

Backstory on Seamus – this is a bad sign. He’s a graphic designer. We see him make that same tuna dish for his friends and family. Cook something else! I don’t think he’s made anything other than fish so far.

Andrew doesn’t think that steak is a safe choice. He’s making a sauce! This is pathetic. Gary’s just started poking the steak with his chubby fingers. He’s sick of eating overcooked meat.

In the blink of an eye it’s judging time. Seamus, for once, doesn’t talk his dish down. He has such an enormous forehead! The Justin Bieber haircut doesn’t even begin to hide it. His dish is tasty, but basically unremarkable. Uh-oh.

Andrew’s steak is served with asparagus and neon green sauce. He claims to have intentionally cooked it medium to medium well. Gary asks why he would ever cook a nice piece of meat medium well – valid quesiton. Andrew lies, unconvincingly – something about melting the fat. Somehow his steak is half well done and half medium rare. How did he even do that? His sauce is nice, though.

After the ad break, Gary draws out the final decision. Andrew is safe. How? This doesn’t make any sense. His steak was terrible. It’s that stupid sauce. Gary picked the dish he would keep eating. Moral: serve butter or cream.

Andrew decides to start believing in himself more. Shut up.

I can’t believe Seamus is eliminated! This is so unexpected. Gary tells him it’s been so good to see him sticking to his thing. He couldn’t do anything else.

Seamus is sad that his cards didn’t play out, mistaking a skill-based competition for a game of chance. Since leaving Masterchef Seamus has begun designing websites for restaurants. So he’s back in his old job as a graphic designer. Bleak.

Maybe the hair isn't so bad

At least he gets to see his family again!

Tomorrow night, George’s spiritual twin tells us how to stack it high and watch it fly.


You know who we haven’t seen much of? Purported permanent judge Matt Moran. This is not a complaint.

The contestants are getting ready for their day when Rachel arrives with a letter! It’s time to leave the house for some bonding – they’re going to the Mean Fiddler hotel. Bond off camera, guys, I’m not interested.

They arrive at the hotel – it’s huge! This place serves 700 people a night. And Matt Moran is there. Damn! Stop toying with me, Masterchef.

This comes up if you google 'sneaky man-lizard'. Well, maybe it does now.

No punchline. This picture's real.

Matt asks if anyone’s been here before. Once again, Jay is the only one! How does he keep doing this? I think he’s stolen the producer’s notes. The contestants are slowly realising that they’re not there to get drunk with George and Gary. Sure enough, they’re cooking for everyone tonight. Was the community warned about this before they turned up for a nice pub meal?

The two teams have to impress the customers, the judges and not totally destroy the kitchen. I reckon these guys would struggle with any one of those things.

Matt Moran declares it’s a girls versus boys contest this time! That is stupid. He’s made the girls the blue team! One win hasn’t lifted the curse – Moran is basically picking the boys as his favourites. Nobody is surprised.

The captains are picked on the basis of getting the wrong apron. Awesomely, the two worst choices are tapped. Rachel and Andrew. This is great as ‘captain’ seems to mean ‘extra shot at elimination’.

The blue team gets George, while the red team get man’s man Matt Moran. Moran is basically dictating their menu to them, demanding béarnaise sauce. George is considerably less helpful.

Rachel is using her P&C experience to order everyone around, running around getting in people’s way. She’s causing chaos. Meanwhile, Andrew is taking an overseer role, in the sense that he’s completely ineffective.

Matt the IT Goth is dropping his steak on the floor. He’s also cutting them irregularly! Awesome. Moran is right for once – if I got a smaller steak than my friends I would make serious trouble.

Chelsea automatically takes the role of meat woman. Jay is making surf and turf but calling it ship to shore. I love that show.

Oh no, Moran won’t be getting his béarnaise sauce – they don’t have any shallots! This seems unlikely. Andrew probably just doesn’t know what a shallot looks like.

Arena decides to throw the tiny meat offcuts onto an open grill. Shockingly, this causes a massive fat fire. It causes Craig to fear for his life. To her credit Arena appears to have no fear of fire – or maybe she thinks this is normal. Finally some chef comes and puts it out. Rachel mothers her.

Although they should

Masterchefs don't use these.

Some lady who has never spoken before is making shortcakes. Who is she? Kumar and Seamus are making a smashed pavlova. Hard to go wrong with whipped cream.

The blue team has made a terrible jus from the charred remnants of Arena’s offcuts.. They just had a jus-based masterclass! George tells them not to use it. Rachel reckons she can save it. Early call – this is going to end badly.

It’s becoming clear that Andrew has the leadership ability of a lemming. He’s unable to organise a side salad for the steak. A few people decide to make one out of random stuff at the last minute, which will also presumably end badly.

Customers are arriving, which seems to take everyone totally by surprise. Both teams are appalling. George has never seen a kitchen this bad! Well, apart from last year.

Matt the ginger goth is making steaks. Why did he get this job? He declares that he doesn’t even know how he is cooking his steak. Turns out he’s not cooking them at all – everyone’s sending raw meat back like crazy. You do not go to a pub for blue meat. Matt responds by sulking and switching to wildly overcooking his meat.

The red team sends out some particularly nasty-looking steak plates, and Matt Moran reveals that they are for the judges. Andrew immediately tells his team and is catty about the steaks. Leadership. The meat is judged as dry and badly cut, and Moran complains about the lack of béarnaise.

Adam is wandering around shilling their pork belly, but gets rejected by everyone who’s had something they’ve cooked. He finally coerces a small child into eating it. Jay talks himself up! Nothing you say in the box protects you from elimination. While the scallops look awful, the judges think they’re delicious – victory music. Damn.

The blue team is still setting things on fire – it’s Chelsea this time. She’s overcooking steaks, but not as badly as Goth Matt.  It’s a pub, so plenty of customers are happy with overcooked meat. George is annoyed that they’ve used the sauce. Fair enough, it’s horrible. The major flavours are gravy powder and fire.

This is actually delicious

Burn gravy like a Masterchef does.

Dani’s cooking and plating up the salt and pepper prawns. She’s pleased that she doesn’t have to work with any other crazy women (direct quote), not unreasonably. They’re lovely! The judges eat them all. Victory music! The customers are also loving it.

Burger time! Kate is making them for the blue team. I think she’s a silent achiever. She’s doing the weird thing where you put the burger on the plate in two halves. It takes the judges five minutes to identify BBQ sauce.

Time for the smashed pav. Turns out that Kumar’s making it with Seamus fucking around in the background. George can’t wait to eat it due to the high cream content.  They love it! The small children are also particularly keen.

Meanwhile, mystery woman Shannon is making a strawberry shortcake. Matt nitpicks the presentation as he wants the boys to win. It’s a nothing desert, described as ‘bland and raw’. Hard to come back from that.

Service finishes and the pub hasn’t been burnt to the ground.  Time for judging.

The red team are first. Their positives are that they made quick (but not good) decisions, plus the pork belly and the pav.

The list of negatives is significantly longer. Matt thinks it’s ‘really weird’ that the judges didn’t get any mushroom sauce and had overcooked steak, and is similarly surprised to hear that the customers hated the dish. He’s a terrible actor – just own up already! Moran also didn’t like the awful side salad. Peter takes fake responsibility but largely drops Andrew in it for his non-existent leadership skills. Andrew can’t handle the truth.

Why yes, I did expect Paul the Pilot to be around for longer.

Screenshot of Peter dropping truth bombs

The blue team is next. Dani’s prawns were the dish of the day! Dani’s stoked. The burger was also a hit. Gary asks who thought of putting onions, sauce and cheese on the burger? Kate. Also, everyone who’s ever made a burger.

The negatives are Arena’s sauce and Rachel’s stupid decision to use it. Also, the huge life-threatening fire was a miss. Shannon’s lame shortbread was apparently a big problem too. Is this why we’ve never seen Shannon before?

The winner is the blue team! Maybe the curse is broken after all. The red team is not happy. Can Goth Matt be auto-eliminated? No. The promo shows them all cooking. He struggles with cooking, so there’s still hope.

See you tomorrow for the most intense elimination challenge since last week!