Apparently this episode contains mild coarse language. I need an adult.
One of the boys will be going home tonight. I hope it’s Matt or Andrew, as it’s entirely their fault the boy’s team lost. Really I’d like to see the back of Jay but he’s not the most incompetent person there. Jay is also gunning for Matt and Andrew; he’s clearly been preparing for the same two-person challenge as last time.
Joke’s on him! Everyone’s going to be cooking. Everyone who isn’t Matt and Andrew looks pretty disappointed. When grilled on their role as the agents of failure, Matt and Andrew take half-hearted responsibility. They’re both terrible.
Meanwhile, the ladies are having a five-course lunch at the Manly Pavillion. They’re also getting a masterclass on risotto – this is a huge advantage as nobody can actually cook this. This chef pretends he doesn’t watch Masterchef. Yeah right, ‘the judges told you’ that risotto is a death dish on the show. You’re not fooling anyone, Barthelmess.
Back in the kitchen. Hayden doesn’t use his immunity pin. Can he pull it out at literally any time, or just when the challenge starts? It’s not clear. Either way, he’s playing the numbers – probably smart given the fools he’s standing next to.
They’ll be cooking three rounds – the six who do worst in the first round have to cook again, then the worst two face off. They get to cook whatever they want, with an open pantry. This seems easy.
Just as the contestants start to relax Gary tells them they’ll be short of one crucial ingredient. Is it butter? No, it’s time. They’ve only got ten minutes! Peter nearly spews. This is a great Nastychef innovation, which is presumably why the bad cops Moran and Gary are the only judges.
They’re off! The rush for the pantry nearly turns into a brawl. Andrew hip-checks Kumar. Not okay! These guys are just crashing into each other. They’re all out in under a minute. This is pretty impressive. It would take me ten minutes to even find anything in that pantry, let alone think of something to cook.
Most people are playing to their strengths – Billy’s making prawns, Jay is making scallops again, Seamus is making the same sashimi dish he always makes. He’s got a more limited repertoire than I do, and I specialise in jaffles.
With seconds to go Michael realises that he’s forgotten his lemon wedge. He breaks the land-speed record getting to the pantry and back. The man can run! By some miracle everyone plates up. Matt’s embarrassed by his dish. He should be. He’s made a tiny hunk of mince with a broken egg on top.
Judging time! Jay’s scallop and choritzo is competent but boring, like him. Billy’s prawns are raw – so are Peter’s! Kumar’s made something inexplicable. Michael’s lemon wedge has elevated his dish to ‘perfect’. Seamus has cut up a bit of fish and put it on a plate. Andrew’s omelette is pathetic. Craig, Hayden and Adam have made nice things that barely get a second of airtime. It’s pretty clear how this is going to go.
Sure enough, Seamus, Peter, Billy, Kumar and Andrew are cooking again. I think this is boiling down to a Matt vs Andrew event regardless.
This time they’ve got fifteen minutes. Lame. I was hoping they’d get quicker and quicker until they were forced to cook in ninety seconds.
Everyone appears to be making basically the same thing again. Gary and Matt Moran stand directly behind Andrew saying that he’s doing it wrong. Then they do it again to Matt. So awesome. They can hear you! Seamus burns all of the delicious parts of his dish. Nice work.
Judging again. Billy has made a better version of his last dish. Seamus’s dish is boring, and he stupidly talks it down. Stop doing that! Matt has made lamb cutlets, which are the first piece of meat he’s competently cooked yet, but have a ‘tainted’ flavour, which doesn’t sound great.
Peter’s Thai salad is perfect. Kumar’s prawns are marred by the presence of huge chunks of ginger, which Gary eats.
Andrew is so pleased with his presentation. He’s wrapped whole sardines in proschiutto and put it on toast. Appetising! Gary has no idea how to eat it. Matt Moran gives it a go then spits his mouthful out. I’m warming to him.
The final two are Andrew and Seamus. Seamus? How did Goth Matt escape? This is appalling. Andrew is here to heal his soul, crushed in a workplace accident. What? Reality TV cooking shows are not a substitute for therapy.
They’ve got twenty minutes. Seamus is making the same thing as last time, hopefully without stuffing it up. He helps Andrew find the asparagus in the pantry. Don’t do that. Again, it’s not that Andrew can’t see it, he just doesn’t know what it is.
Andrew’s making steak. The last time he did this he served a raw hunk of meat the size of his head. Now he’s using a super-thin steak! This will hopefully end badly for him.
Backstory on Seamus – this is a bad sign. He’s a graphic designer. We see him make that same tuna dish for his friends and family. Cook something else! I don’t think he’s made anything other than fish so far.
Andrew doesn’t think that steak is a safe choice. He’s making a sauce! This is pathetic. Gary’s just started poking the steak with his chubby fingers. He’s sick of eating overcooked meat.
In the blink of an eye it’s judging time. Seamus, for once, doesn’t talk his dish down. He has such an enormous forehead! The Justin Bieber haircut doesn’t even begin to hide it. His dish is tasty, but basically unremarkable. Uh-oh.
Andrew’s steak is served with asparagus and neon green sauce. He claims to have intentionally cooked it medium to medium well. Gary asks why he would ever cook a nice piece of meat medium well – valid quesiton. Andrew lies, unconvincingly – something about melting the fat. Somehow his steak is half well done and half medium rare. How did he even do that? His sauce is nice, though.
After the ad break, Gary draws out the final decision. Andrew is safe. How? This doesn’t make any sense. His steak was terrible. It’s that stupid sauce. Gary picked the dish he would keep eating. Moral: serve butter or cream.
Andrew decides to start believing in himself more. Shut up.
I can’t believe Seamus is eliminated! This is so unexpected. Gary tells him it’s been so good to see him sticking to his thing. He couldn’t do anything else.
Seamus is sad that his cards didn’t play out, mistaking a skill-based competition for a game of chance. Since leaving Masterchef Seamus has begun designing websites for restaurants. So he’s back in his old job as a graphic designer. Bleak.
Tomorrow night, George’s spiritual twin tells us how to stack it high and watch it fly.