It’s the Final Coundown: Part One

Posted: August 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

And we’re back. Apologies for the slack blogging this week. It’s all down to Kate and Michael. Who will win? The mum from Orange, the film projectionist from Adelaide or the Renovators, which for some reason is being screened in between the two halves of the finale. I am going to be super drunk by the time the second half is on.

I’m tearing up as the titles play. This is the last time we’ll see Ellie dropping apples, or Craig waving fabric. I think Hayden may make a tv reappearance, somehow.

Kate’s up early. So’s Michael. He’s considerably more intense than her. He’s going for the Sonic the Hedgehog look with his hair. Kate has an opportunity to call her husband and kids. Sadly she has to use the T-Pad. Michael calls his mum. I hate that T-Pad so much.

It's the stupid man's ipod

Worst product ever

The entire failure brigade is waiting for Kate and Michael in the kitchen. Who are half these people? They let cheating Goth Matt back. That’s nice. Oh Kumar, we’ve missed your work in the commentary box.

The judges are all wearing black. Matt Moran is also here. Gary is wearing some kind of velvet smoking jacket. It looks completely ridiculous. Matt Preston is doing his best Napoleon impersonation.

This is actually a picture of Matt

The resemblance is striking

They’ll be fighting three rounds tonight. They’ll be scored out of one hundred points all up. No time for faff – round one starts now! No it doesn’t, it’s just applause time. Finally they get around to starting, after the Matts leave.

Round one is a Mystery Box Race. Not just any Mystery Box, though – there are four mystery stations. They’ve got forty-five minutes to make one dish, setting the mis en place from each box before they move on to the next with no back-tracking. What? I’m confused already.

There are twenty points up for grabs in this round. They’re off! Box one is surf and turf – beef and some serious crustaceans. Michael goes for the beef, while Kate is into the crab. Michael cracks on to his next box. Kate waits to see what’s in his. Smart! She’s struggling with her crab. She gives up and cracks some Balmain bugs.Box two is full of vegetables. Michael’s on to box three, which is oil and truffles.  He’s making a steak and oyster pie. Gary questions whether he can make a pie in that time, at which point Michael reveals that ‘pie’ was a bit of an understatement.

Fifteen minutes to go! Wow. Ten minutes now. Kate’s finally up to box three. Kate’s making a celeriac roulade with Balmain bugs. Total waste of crab. She has left her lemon at the last bench! Cleo is willing her not to go back. Craig has some opinions about Micahel’s dish. Nobody cares, Craig.

They’re both on the last bench, which is the cooking bench. Kate identifies that the thing with Balmain bugs is that you have to be careful to neither over nor undercook them. Much like all cooking. Seconds to go, and Kumar tells us that on the one hand Kate has made an inviting dish, but on the other hand Michael has made an inviting dish. Thanks Kumar. Time’s up!

Kumar should commentate everything

'I'm helping!'

Judging time. George reiterates the rules. I still don’t understand. Kate’s dish is up first.  George does his best serious face. The vegetables and mayo are perfectly prepared, but her bugs may be slightly underdone. Michael’s steak and oyster pie – featuring no pie – is delicious and the steak is perfectly cooked. The carrots, however, are hard and Gary is frankly enraged to have been promised a pie and not get one.

My mate Amber has come around to watch the final and has brought an antipasto plate that surpasses both dishes. Home made pate! Just saying.

Scoring! Kate gets a seven from George and an eight from Gary, largely for her good recovery. Michael gets an eight from George and a nine from Gary. Woah. Early blowout for Michael! Kate knows it’s slipping away from her. Rachel thinks it’s good for Kate. This is why you got kicked out, Rachel.

Matt Moran’s back to demand they cook the best dish of their life. It’s an invention test! Two hours and fifteen minutes to show what they’ve learned. Michael grabs lobster and a whole bunch of stuff. Kate is actually thinking about her choices.

Jay is suddenly dressing like an inner-city hipster! Michael’s using the goddamn sous-vide machine again. That is the only technique he’s learnt. Meanwhile, Kate is showcasing a range of techniques to showcase quail.

George is sceptical about Michael’s ability to get everything done. He likes Kate’s approach, though. Hey, in other news, George’s wife had a beautiful baby boy early this week! His name is James.

It’s bucketing down in the Masterchef kitchen. Must have been shot during the Sydney monsoons. Kate loves it. She is making a ton of different sized garlic custards. Why? No idea.

Michael’s lobster is out of the sous-vide.  He throws some to the peanut gallery, and Hipster Jay fights off Danielle to get a taste of it. Gross. It’s tasty, apparently. Only two of Kate’s variety of custards have cooked! Matt Preston makes a disapproving face at Michael’s champagne sauce.

Hard to argue with

Australia's leading food critic

Kate’s first custard doesn’t work. She’s not a quitter, though, so tries it again. Micheal is cooking boring leeks in a boring way. I still don’t know who I’m going for. My head says ‘Michael’ but my heart says ‘stop stuffing it up, Kate!’. Kate it is.

One minute to go and Kate hasn’t plated anything! Her custard doesn’t work, but she doesn’t have time to save it. Come on Kate! Ten seconds. Kate gets it together.

Judging time. Michael’s up first. He’s made butter-poached lobster with fennel, lobster and champagne. Matt Moran is mean to him. Flustered, Michael develops a stammer. Michael’s left the root on his leeks for some reason. Moran spits it out. Chill out, lizard king. The champagne sauce is also no good. Michael’s embarrassed.

Kate’s up! She’s made quail with garlic custard and some other stuff I missed because I stopped paying attention. She couldn’t have done it at the start of the contest. It’s magically delicious, and the technique is very sophisticated. The custard is a bit of a mess, but she gets away with it.

Forty points up for grabs here! Michael gets eights from the Matts and Gary, and a seven from George. Eights for messed up leeks? Kate gets nines from the Matts and Gary gives her a BLOWN CIRCUIT IN MY USELESS HOUSE.

When the power comes back on, Kate’s on 51, Michael’s on 48. She got an eight from George? I can’t do maths. Michael is deeply unhappy.  Up next: another TV show. Why are you doing this, channel ten? Complain here: See you in an hour.

  1. Fin says:

    I’m so pleased I am not the only one who couldn’t understand the multiple bench mystery box challenge!

    Do you think Jay has a stylist now?

  2. CWA rocks says:

    I think Jay definitely has a stylist. Good call Fin.

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