Aaaand we’re back – in New York this week. I only caught the tail end of last night’s episode, but that was more than enough. Sun lost hugely, it was great. As a result she is apparently locked in her hotel room alone for the rest of the week. To celebrate this flagrant breach of human rights, the rest of the team are going to be cooking at the United Nations today.
You know what would be great? If there was a little box in the corner of the screen broadcasting Sun-Cam throughout tonight as she sits around looking sad in a hotel room. Michael won yesterday, and got a mysterious black envelope containing his advantage. He has the recipes for today and gets to choose who cooks what. He is openly trying to kneecap people. Awesome.
Dani tries to get him to spill the beans as the contestants meet for breakfast. He nearly does. Hey, Sun is there! Worst lockdown ever. An anonymous waiter delivers an invitation to the United Nations from the Australian ambassador. Who even is the Australian ambassador to the UN?
Ellie thinks the UN building is the centre of the world. I’m pretty sure she meant that literally.
They arrive at the assembly hall. Gary, George and Matt are at the podium. The contestants are overwhelmed. This is making me think less of the UN, to be honest. Gary looks pretty comfortable at that podium. Kevin Rudd better watch out.
The meeting of the permanent forum on Indigenous issues is concluding, and the Australian Mission is hosting a function for the delegates – all three hundred of them, from every member state. They each have to cook one canapé, prepped offsite then transported an hour before service. The guests will be voting.
As usual, the winner cooks for immunity. The loser goes into lockdown with Sun, then straight into elimination. Matt talks up how ludicrous this whole thing is is, before George elbows him out of the podium. The king of canapés will be setting the menu! Who? No idea.
They arrive in the off-site kitchen. Amando Something is the king of canapés. No crown. The canapés are thai beef salad in a cup, deconstructed vichyssoise, mini tacos, smoked duck breast in a spoon, seared tuna with wasabi peas on a fork, meringue and cumquat curd and some extremely fiddly chocolate lollypops (with edible glitter.)
Michael reveals the set list. Alana’s making the Thai beef salad, and the vichyssoise goes to Billy, who reckons nobody likes soup. Michael picks the tacos. The duck goes to Ellie, and Kate is stuck with the tuna, her nemesis. Hayden gets the meringue spoon. Michael is expressly trying to make him look good. Dani gets the death lollipops. She is rooted.
They’re off! Michael is fixated on not accidently making nachos. Kate has a piece of tuna that is bigger than her children. It is seriously huge. She can’t lift it by herself. She gets stuck in though. Imagine Sun trying to do this.
George eventually comes over to help her, advising her to cut off chunks of fish rather than trying for the world’s largest fillet. She considers filleting Michael, who is oblivious. Ellie has to break down twenty-five ducks. I am not convinced she can break down one. George agrees, and comes to tell her how to do it. She pretends to understand.
Billy is really shirty about this soup. The challenge is making the soups layer correctly. He’s working way too slowly. Meanwhile, Kate has done a great job getting a workable fillet of tuna out. Alana is going ok, as usual is not very interesting.
Everything about the lollipops is a challenge for Dani. Hayden is making his desserts in fifty-portion batches. Interesting choice! Total waste of time. He will be making the meringue at the UN, as well as plating everything up. Interesting choice.
Two hours to go, and the judges are worried. Fair enough. Dani has barely done anything. Ellie is attempting to smoke duck. She looks even more confused than usual by the smoking machine, and starts quacking and waving. She doesn’t know how much smoke to use, so giggles rather than asking.
Billy is peeling thirty-two potatoes. He nearly loses a thumb at around potato five. He finally finishes, and realises he needs another thirty-two. He loses it. Michael should really watch himself.
Dani is in the wee, according to Hayden, and is cutting her hand up rather than the chocolate. Hold the knife by the handle, Dani. Michael thinks he’s multitasking. Looks more like he’s just standing around dropping things.
An hour to go, and Ellie’s smoking seems to have worked. Now she’s cooking the duck. She can’t find any salt. Dani has finally moved onto piping. She doesn’t understand how a piping bag works. She’s having trouble, so basically decides to quit. Billy sets his soup on fire somehow, but eventually gets to the world’s largest stick blender.
George takes pity on Dani and tells her to give up on the squiggles, and just make circle chocolate pops. Lame. Dani refuses to accept that she doesn’t have time to do the squiggles. Then she cries and walks away. Flameball!
Now she’s crying in the commentary box. George tells her that it’s not hard, and asks her to trust him. He’s going to help her. Cheating! This was clearly Dani’s plan. She tells Michael she hates him. Michael, predictably, cannot cope.
George is basically cooking the dish for Dani now. This is outrageous. She has to go. Meanwhile, Kate is making kilos and kilos of spice rub. George takes time out from doing Dani’s job to declare that this ain’t your backyard barbie, it’s the United Nations! True.
Gary has spotted the giant blender, and wants a go. It looks awesome actually. He makes up for his help by telling Billy he’s in trouble. It’s true, as Billy has chosen not to peel his artichokes. Michael is not coping well with everyone’s newfound hatred of him.
Alana is using a cleaver in the least safe way ever. We haven’t seen her do anything really. She is so comfortable in the middle of the pack. Ten seconds! Hayden is seriously going to separate enough egg whites for three hundred meringues in an hour? This was a mistake.
The UN kitchen is huge. They have an hour. Hayden is starting to get worried that he doesn’t have time to make the meringue. He’s trying to measure the sugar by eye. That is ridiculous. Ellie tries to use a mandolin and promptly severs an artery, spraying blood all over her shirt. Rather than seeking medical help, she stands around like an idiot.
We come back from the adbreak and Ellie’s catastrophe is replayed. UN medics treat her. They are really serious about it. Alana decides to be sure not to cut her finger. George starts cutting her duck for her. He is such a sucker for the pretty ladies.
Billy is using a crazy metal cone to pipe his soup. His white soup is not the right consistency, and isn’t layering properly on top of the green soup. Oh no! Gary suggests adding cream to Billy’s soup. Gary is a total genius. It magically works.
Five minutes! Hayden’s meringue looks like a poo, according to him He is aware of his shaky hands. Is it something other than nerves? As usual it doesn’t slow him down. The waiters arrive. Dani demands that the waiters smile as they hand out her failure lollipops. If she wins there will be trouble.
The judges circulate. At least one person leaves thinking that Matt Preston is the Prime Minister.
The waiters are bored, and three of them start hitting on Ellie. Hayden starts shouting for service. His waiters are still hitting on Ellie, who is encouraging them to try and rig the vote for her. They are just ignoring him and his meringue spoons. This challenge is terrible. Ellie is gunning it, which indicates that it is problematic.
George is super jealous of the waiters. Nobody wants Billy’s soup, as it’s soup. The Australian Ambassador shills Masterchef. Is this actually happening? This can’t have helped Australia in our bid to be taken seriously as a real country.
The judges like Ellie’s duck, as do the guests. Alana’s beef salad is tasty but hard to eat. Michael’s taco looks awesome and is delicious. Kate’s tuna is perfect, but Billy’s soup is average and under-seasoned. Billy has been kneecapped. George declares Hayden’s dish a winner before eating it. Gary’s taste test confirms it. Dani’s disaster tastes like nice chocolate, as that is what it is made of.
We’re done. I am very worried about Billy. If Dani doesn’t lose it will be totally outrageous. They return to the general assembly for the decisions. This is totally ridiculous. How did they get permission to film here?
Three hundred votes cast. The top two were separated by five votes. It’s Ellie and Hayden. Ellie can barely cope with not being in the pressure test. Michael pretends to be happy for them. Ellie wins! She can’t even speak. It’s her first win. Matt is frankly incredulous. Hayden is incredibly patronising.
No winners without losers. The bottom two were divided by three points. Dani and Billy are at the bottom. Billy just got stuck with lame soup. The loser, with only seventeen votes, is Billy. No!
Manifestly unfair. Dani should have points deducted for having had George cook half her dish for her. Billy is not looking forward to being in lockdown with Sun. Well, who would be.
See you tomorrow as Ellie burns central park to the ground.