#Masterchef Recap 16 June: Fail By Numbers

We’re back. Sorry no blog last night – my exam schedule is inexplicably not geared around Masterchef. I know, outrageous, right?

The red team lost the Waste Not Want Not challenge yesterday, one hundred percent due to Shannon. I don’t remember anyone actually calling the challenge that at the time, but never mind. Her, Craig, Quirky Danielle, Billy, Dani, Ellie and Michael will all be cooking for their lives.

This is Quirky Danielle’s first elimination challenge! She doesn’t deserve to be here. The only reason Shannon even got half a pathetic dessert up was Danielle’s good work – without her it would have been a big plate of nothing.

They arrive, and it’s a similar setup to the last team challenge. There are three rounds tonight. The top three in the first round and the top two in the second round are safe, leaving Shannon and some other unlucky punter to fight it out for survival.

Three rounds. Top three in the first round safe, top two safe, leaving two cooks to battle it out. They’ll have fifteen minutes in each round to cook whatever they want. Everyone but Ellie thinks that it seems easy – she reckons it takes her fifteen minutes to make vegemite toast. She may be in trouble here.

But wait, there’s more! It’s a cook by numbers challenge – they’re working with a limited number of ingredients. In the first round they get three ingredients. The only thing Shannon’s made with only three ingredients is a ham and cheese sandwich. No mustard? Butter? Anything?

Cook like a Masterchef apparently cooks

Ah, it turns out they get condiments. Lame. The judges describe Shannon’s dish as ‘interesting’. Dani, meanwhile, is ‘going back to her Asian roots’. Does she have Asian roots? I guess she has been to Thailand twice.

Ellie is making her own mayo, to go with salt and pepper squid. So it’s three ingredients plus a whole bunch of other stuff. Quirky Danielle distracts us from this deviation from the rules by setting her proscuitto on fire. Fortunately she’s got enough to do another lot.

Dani, meanwhile, doesn’t know how long it takes for mussels to cook. Longer than she’s got – thirty seconds to go! And we’re done.

Matt has matched his cravat to George’s shirt. Michael’s trout looks perfect, but his sauce is unbalanced and lacks texture. Ellie’s salt and pepper squid is inconsistent, but her home-made mayo excellent.

Craig’s scallops with chorizo and apple look amazing. Really, fifteen minutes? I expected less from him. Sadly, the taste is not so good. Billy’s prosciutto and rockmelon gorgonzola salad also looks beautiful. Unlike Craig, he’s also remembered to make it taste delicious.

Shannon’s dish, like herself, is the absolute worst. She does her quit face. George explains slowly how to actually infuse saffron flavours. Shannon pretended she knew how to do it. You aren’t fooling anyone, Shannon.

Shannon telling George she knows how to cook

Dani doesn’t warn the judges about the undercooked mussels. They use their years of experience to detect the problem, but are brave enough to eat them anyway. Matt, in a fabulously brutal moment, tells her to prepare herself for the next round. Quirky Danielle’s second attempt at proscuitto is a great dish! Excellent news.

Decision time. Dani, Shannon, Craig and Michael are cooking in the penalty round. Danielle and Billy and Ellie are safe! Result.

Time to visit the winners. Gary and Alana have won the special treat of providing free labour for Gary in the Fenix kitchen. They seem to be having a good time. Maybe this will teach Hayden how to be a team player. Doubt it.

Dani doesn’t want to be in the elimination challenge. I want her to be there. They get six ingredients this time! You could make a sweet ham and cheese sandwich with that.

Dani is making son-in-law eggs. It turns out that this is Matt Preston’s favourite dish. He and George share weird old man infidelity jokes. Not okay, guys.

Everyone else is doing seafood and fruit. Shannon has stolen Craig’s recipe. Matt and George are upfront about the fact that they’ll be judging her harshly. Dani steals Shannon’s timer. Good work, Dani.This is so intense. It would take me fifteen minutes to even find anything in the pantry. It took me that long to find the vinegar tonight, in my own kitchen without anyone elbowing me out of the way.

Craig is making a vinagarette. He boils the vinegar. Why? Nobody can explain. He had a brain snap. Dani is scared of her eggs exploding. I hope they explode – that would be great television.

Delicious

We’re in the final moments. If Shannon is safe I am going to go on a rampage. Thirty seconds to go. Time’s up!

Craig’s salmon with fennel and orange salad looks ridiculous due to his boiling vinegar. The salmon is cooked perfectly – has his lucky bowling shirt saved the day? No, his salad is full of dirt.

Dani’s son-in-law eggs have to be soft-boiled. Are they? Matt Preston does his serious business face as George stuffs around with the knife and fork. Just cut it George! Flameball. They’re soft-boiled. Needs more salt though.

Shannon’s dish is overwhelmed by raw garlic. At least she hasn’t burnt it this time. It also doesn’t have enough salt.

Michael’s seared tuna looks great. Matt is concerned that there is not enough dressing. George eats the whole thing but Matt, again, demands more salt. Is he having withdrawal symptoms?

Matt seasons his food

Dani and Michael are safe! Craig and Shannon are the final two. Win-win, really.

We hear more about how Shannon hates her life. She wants to have her own patisserie/florist.  Go and work in a florist or do an apprenticeship. Craig, on the other hand, loves his job as a professional musician. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, literally. I have no sympathy for either of these idiots.

They get to use nine ingredients. Craig can definitely fit dirt within this. This is more of a challenge – I doubt either of these jokers can make nine flavours work. Craig’s going a for a prawn curry. He panics and decides not to make rice. This is how Arena got kicked out! Shannon is making French toast, and goes on about how much she loves cake.

Presented without comment

The judges are standing close to the contestants and saying loudly how Shannon needs to do a good job to be safe. Craig has really made a mistake forgetting the rice, as much as George talks up how good the curry smells.

Great news! Shannon has grabbed a ciabatta loaf. It is possibly the worst bread to make French toast with.  She asks ‘why have I grabbed ciabatta?’ Because you’re an idiot. Stop pretending it’s someone else’s fault.

Shannon goes to the pantry to get proper bread! Can you do that? This is outrageous. George cannot keep his disdain off his face. Craig is making sure to remove the poop chute from his prawns. I look forward to Matt unerringly finding the only one he’s missed.

As usual, Shannon burns her caramel. This has happened every single time she’s tried to put anything on the stovetop. Her syrup is also a bit crap. Can’t fix it though – time’s up! The safe contestants leave, pretending to care who survives.

Craig’s dish looks great. George asks leading questions until he twigs that it needs rice. Matt loves it. George calls it a yummy, tasty, yum yum dish. Matt is too busy eating it to make fun of him. Sadly, George cannot shake the voice of bad cop Gary and is forced to ask: where’s the bread?

Also a valid question

Shannon’s French toast reduces the judges to grunts of pleasure. It’s restaurant quality presentation and tastes magnificent. Damn! The downside is the overly thick syrup.

For the third time in six days we hear about how much Shannon wants to be here. Still lots. She’s put off her wedding. Craig kind of wants to be here, in a vague way. It’s the only time in his adult life he’s learnt things. Apparently he hasn’t learnt anything while playing in an orchestra.

Craig is safe! Shannon is finally eliminated. It’s finally over. She’s sad, because this represents three years of her life. Why didn’t you just do an apprenticeship, Shannon? Matt is bored and basically tells her to get out.

Shannon returns to her fiancée, who looks strangely like Andrew! Creepy, given how much Andrew’s wife looked like Shannon. Also like Andrew, she doesn’t get a party.

Since leaving Masterchef Shannon has started working part-time in a cupcake shop. No, really. I’m depressed too.