Masterchef Recap 13 June: Heston’s Worst Feast

Posted: June 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Welcome back. Rachel, Craig, Shannon and Michael are fighting it out for survival tonight. Craig feels guilty for being here because he loves his life as a classical musician. So he’s in it for the hundred grand? Shannon is feeling bad about her chances. Given her performance last time, that’s fair.

It’s the seventh anniversary of Michael’s father’s death. He thinks his dad would be proud of him. He should win today. I blame Shannon for him being here at all.

They arrive at the Masterchef kitchen. Matt Preston starts playing Guess Who before the guest judge arrives. This would be more gripping if the ads hadn’t already told us who it is. Goth Matt has twigged. So has everyone except Shannon. Heston Blumenthal enters. Matt compares him to Madonna.

Seriously, put a wig on the guy and voila: instant twins

The resemblance is uncanny

He’s Michael’s other hero. Shannon makes a joke about Madonna and Michael Jackson having a lovechild, then realises that neither of them have anything to do with Heston. This doesn’t bode well for the creative part of the challenge.

Matt strokes his imaginary goatee as Heston lifts the lid on today’s dish. It’s a burger and fries, with some sort of foaming milkshake. Surprise! It’s all made of ambergris.

Craig is sure there’s a twist. There isn’t! It’s really a burger and fries. Shannon is delighted – thinks it’s amazing and fun. How boring is her life? It’s slowly dawning on them that it’s actually a beef burger and chips. The challenge for them is to cook it properly. Heston has identified their greatest weakness.

There’s a twist. They’re going to make their own cheese! And the brioche! Ha. It’s not explained how they’re going to make cheese in three hours.  Everyone’s moved on the fries – Shannon’s still eating the burger.

The mystery of the fizzy milkshake is revealed –  it’s full of dry ice. The contestants, however, aren’t allowed to use dry ice, but have to make their own creative milkshake. Shannon is worried as she’s an imagination-free zone.

They’re off! First step is the beef. Craig and Shannon are unable to mince their meat. Their machines are jamming. Shannon blames herself, quits. How out of character.

Rachel is ignoring Heston’s directions and making her bun first. . Kate is at the cheating stations above Rachel. She promises to be restrained in her advice, then starts nagging Rachel like crazy. Rachel refuses to start the meat, so Heston comes and tells her that she’s stupid. It finally sinks in. She decides to multitask, and immediately smokes out the kitchen by burning some butter.

Heston is watching Craig battle with his mincer. He looks appalled. Shannon has put her mincing attachment on the wrong way round. Michael’s cracking along but hits a road bump – he doesn’t know how much salt to add. Inexplicably, he chooses to ask Quirky Danielle. He’s doing better than Rachel, who has totally stuffed this mince. Gary comes over to help, and ends up giving her new meat. Cheater.

Michael is a mincing machine! He’s smashing it. Gary’s now basically making Rachel’s mince for her. He grabs her cheeks. What a weirdo. She’s starting over. Shannon wishes she had five hands. Peter can no longer watch, goes over to be appalled by Rachel. Somehow, Shannon beats Craig. Hayden forces Michael to ask Heston if 3 degrees will make a difference. Heston is nice to him. He seems like a champ actually.

He takes that lollypop everywhere

This is serious business

Rachel calls Heston evil, then handsome. He has absolutely no idea how to react to this. Craig is still on his meat! Rachel has beaten  him after losing forty-five minutes. This guy sucks.

Bored, Heston goes to introduce himself to the others. Hayden nearly faints. Craig’s unsure whether his potatoes are done, Heston asks him to throw him one. Craig stuffs the throw, and it smashes on the ground.

Craig’s now trying to fry his potatoes in cold oil. Shannon is struggling, admits that she’s done a bad job. She seems surprised when Heston is unimpressed by this.

Finally everyone’s up to making their own cheese! I have been waiting for this to be explained. Turns out they’re making it out of other cheese. Well, that was an anti-climax. Everyone’s cooking frantically – Heston thought they’d be plating up by now. Clearly he’s never seen Masterchef.

Michael’s gunning it – his brioche looks a little risky – hasn’t risen all that much. Rachel has made watery tomato soup rather than ketchup. Sure enough, Michael’s buns aren’t great. That’s what she said.

Hayden makes some more disparaging comments about Michael’s buns. Michael panics! He’s worried about making a fool of himself in front of an idol for the second night in a row. He should try having fewer idols.

Gary poses a stumper: how do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently.

I laughed

Dad jokes: not even once

Shannon’s never had any complaints about her buns before, apparently. Where can I file a complaint? Peter also steals my great joke re: buns.

Rachel has frozen her cheese. She follows this up by forgetting about her tomatoes. She has about a tablespoon of sauce. Your chips are still in the oil buddy!

“When the chips are down, you need to give yourself a shake!” Another great line from George. If you squint, it almost makes sense.

Burger patty has to be flipped every twenty seconds. Craig sets his glaze on fire. Rachel responds to stress by smashing and dropping things.

Michael is making a lemon-lime milkshake with liquid nitrogen ice-cream. An old favourite. He loves the liquid nitrogen. George tries on Heston’s glasses for no reason. Shannon is scared of smoke.

Five minutes to go! Hayden starts shouting ‘more green’ at Michael. Gary’s loving it. He starts shouting as well. Now I’m doing it.

Rachel’s burger looks great until she drops her bun on the stovetop. She scoops it up and serves it anyway. Rachel gives a milkshake a go – starts shouting ‘malt’ at Gary repeatedly. Somehow she makes a presentable milkshake in sixty seconds. All without swearing on camera!

By some miracle they have all successfully plated everything up. Boring wonder twins Craig and Shannon hug. Rachel cries. Uh-oh. Michael hugs her. Everyone joins in, belatedly.

Judging time. Heston asks what the personal element in Michael’s shake is, suspecting he’s just gone wild with food colouring and liquid nitrogen. Michael’s dead dad used to buy them for him. No way to say that there’s no personal element now! Michael leaves. Milkshake needs more green, but Heston likes it – it’s surprisingly sophisticated. His chips are great and the burger’s excellent, apart from the dodgy bun. Will the bun send him home? No.

Shannon’s up next. Her creative drink is inspired by peach melba, which has little to nothing to do with her. She’s not happy with it, or in fact anything.  Gary is stoked about the cheesy bun, but the burger does not hold together. Chips are oily and inconsistent. The patty is more like a meatball, but her condiments are well-balanced. The milkshake is boring. George scrunches up his face and declares that he doesn’t like it.

Craig’s burger is the size of his head. He realises that it’s much bigger than Heston’s mouth – how is he going to get it in? If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said ‘that’s what she said’ this episode I could retire. They cut it and it’s clear that it’s 90% bread. It takes them five minutes to work out how to eat it.  Gary tells us that George is normally quite good at dislocating his jaw. What? How does he even know that? The meat is fine, cheese is good and the condiments are good – but it’s all overwhelmed by bread. His chips are crispy. The thickshake is almost too thick to drink – Craig’s made weird chocolate strawberry straws. It’s delicious.

Rachel’s dish is last. Her burger looks almost okay! George cannot hide his dislike. She tries to sell a milo as a creative side dish. Lame.  Heston is still kind of scared of her. Her bun is the best, but the meat is dry and overcooked and the condiments are wet. The chips are slightly underdone, and the milo milkshake is a pretty boring chocolate milkshake. It may not actually have milo in it. Uh oh.

It makes you good at sport

How do you stuff this up?

Decision time! Michael is safe! He thinks the only person smiling harder than him would be his dad, then cries again. Shannon and Craig are safe as well. Rachel has been eliminated! Bummer. At least she got to go to Malaysia. Montage of Rachel embarrassing herself in front of celebrity chefs.

Once again everyone is surprised to see Shannon return to the Masterchef house.

Since leaving Masterchef Rachel has been recipe testing for Anna Gare’s new cookbook and has started a career as a food demonstrator, whatever that means. Good for her.

  1. Cathaxx says:

    After this episode Shannon is my fav for total entertainment value. But I’m torn about her getting booted coz I really want to see what her “family & friends” look like.

  2. Srekca says:

    “Michael is making a lemon-lime milkshake with liquid nitrogen ice-cream. An old favourite. He loves the liquid nitrogen.”

    Bahaha I cracked up when he said that =]

    Cathxxx I agree, unless she is like what’s-his-face and just has a cat…? Lol

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