Welcome back. I’m watching tonight’s episode on my girlfriend’s computer while blogging on my laptop. This is everything I imagined the future would be, plus or minus a robot servant.
Some sneaky gardeners have put a table and some cupcakes in the Masterchef garden. The cupcakes have a message – ‘meet us at Vaucluse House at 9am’. Good thing all the housemates were up and standing on the balcony at 8.15am. Could have been embarrassing if they’d slept in.
They arrive at beautiful Vaucluse House, which looks exactly like the house they did the WA challenge in. The show is really suffering without Jay’s commentary. Dani thinks she’s in a Jane Austen novel. I think she feels like this often.
It’s a team challenge – a tag-team challenge. Alana thinks it’s a relay. I have something else in mind.
The new rules are pretty complicated. Ok, there’s person in the kitchen at a time. The first person in gets twenty-five minutes, everyone thereafter gets twenty minutes. The first person is the only one that gets to see the recipe – everyone else gets sixty seconds to communicate with the next person. What? Ellie’s confused scrunch face is great. They should just play this song, it explains everything.
The winners get lunch at Tetsuya’s. The losers pick the worst two, who battle it out. That’s a great system, assuming good people don’t volunteer themselves. You know who will never volunteer in that situation? Goth Matt.
The teams are split up by age – under and over thirties. Wow, there is a disproportionate amount of idiot on the red under-thirties team. Rachel calls the teams the old farts and the young tarts. Presumably George put her up to it. Ellie thinks her texting skills will carry the red team through.
Adam declares himself captain of the over thirties. Who the hell is Adam, you ask? I have no idea either. Alana puts her hand up as red team captain. Clearly both of them have realised they need to get some screen time.
Alana thinks her communication skills were honed when she played in the Australian women’s Aussie Rules team. Is that an international sport? Adam runs a scuba diving company. I guess people drown if you communicate badly in a scuba environment.
Blues are down a team member, so Billy will be cooking twice. Smart move by Adam. Billy looks so youthful!
Adam and Alana are off! Alana is immediately overwhelmed. So am I. Both teams are making rib roast, potato gratin, brussel sprouts, game pie, devil’s food cake and red velvet cupcakes.
In a flash, time is up. Hayden and Billy are in. Adam has forgotten the final dish, and tells Billy to make ‘red devil cupcakes’. Never scuba dive with this guy.
It doesn’t throw Billy, though – when his twenty minutes are up he correctly identifies that they need to make a chocolate cake. What a winner. Ha, the other contestants have to stand and watch in silence. This is the real challenge.
Quirky Danielle’s taken over from Hayden. Another a man who relies on communication to stop people drowning. They both seem to have it together.
I’m so confused. Gary and George reveal that the dishes are all Nigella Lawson classics, and she’ll be judging at the end. I guess they couldn’t afford to get her for the whole episode.
Craig has trashed the kitchen. Kate puts the roast in the oven and hands over to Rachel. She does the first competent handover. Adam has planned for this, thinking that because they’re both mothers they have miracle communication skills. No, Adam, you’re just a bit crap.
Ellie’s in! Arena was also in there somewhere, unclear what she did. Ellie decides to ignore the roast, asks if icing goes in the oven. She’s hopeless. She fills the pie case, and puts the hunk of veal in the pie. What is wrong with her? Where is your texting now?
Time’s up, and she explains everything to Shannon extremely badly. Shannon stands around like a doofus. Meanwhile, Rachel’s making a basic chocolate cake. Good decision. Sun’s in.
Shannon’s done! Don’t know what she did. She’s explaining everything vaguely and is passive. Dani gets confused – well, more confused than she usually is. The beef is wildly overcooked, and the cupcakes are burnt. Everyone is so desperate to shout at Dani, a feeling I sympathise with. She manages to identify that ‘burnt’ is wrong and remakes the cupcakes.
The red team have been counting on Matt knowing how to make Yorkshire puddings. He has no idea how to do this. Why did they assume he would? He can’t make anything.
Peter, who snuck in, explains to a very excited Kumar what’s going on. He starts to put icing on a hot cake. Why? Sun tries to communicate, and earns them a penalty – 3 minutes off the next person’s time. Adam identifies that this is detrimental.
Michael’s in for the under thirties – he’s under thirty? On the blue side, George physically restrains Billy for three minutes. Michael’s plating away, making little garnishes. He has no idea what the dishes are because Goth Matt didn’t explain them. Turns out he knows how to make Yorkshire puddings.
Billy’s finally off! Go son. He is doing a stellar job, as always. Wait, the pie won’t come out! Everyone panics. Nine seconds. Three seconds. BILLY DOES IT! What a winner. The pastry is pretty risky. Rachel reuses her old-farts young-tarts joke. Weird.
Somehow, generation idiot have also gotten all six dishes up. Alana thinks she’ll win.
The teams assemble at the judging pavilion. Ellie, Dani and Quirky Danielle squeal as they realise Nigella Lawson is there.
Shannon’s bible is ‘how to be a domestic goddess’. Depressing. She cries. Nigella, not used to the masterchef approach of ‘cry at everything’, thinks she’s upset and hugs her.
The red team are up first. Alana has no shame about her risky dishes. Nigella lies like a champ and says it all looks great. As George cuts the pie open Ellie realises that adding the huge chunk of meat was really dopey. She makes another great scrunch face. See you in the elimination round Ellie.
Shannon has an elaborate ‘meeting Nigella’ fantasy. This is not it. I don’t want to know about it.
Nigella describes the roast as edible. Gary is not so kind. She’s nice about everything actually, although thinks the gratin needed to be more voluptuous. The pie is fantastic, to Gary’s – and my – great surprise, but their brussel sprouts are basically a salt lick.
Their devil’s food cake smells good but is dry as dust. Nigella is so nice! Dani takes credit for the cupcake existing at all– why did she get praise for competence? The cupcakes are water in a desert of failure. Nigella loves them!
Blue team’s up. Everything looks so much better. Nigella is relieved. Adam reluctantly admits his inability to remember six dishes. Their meat is perfectly cooked. Adam sticks his tongue out and rocks back and forward. The sprouts are undercooked, but the potato gratin is delicious. Nothing about the pie has worked – the pastry sucks and the meat is overcooked.
Dessert. Rachel admits that the cake is not a devil’s food cake – that’s hardly her fault. It’s delicious whatever it is. Nigella eats the whole thing, politely demands the recipe. Red velvet cupcakes are a bit dry in comparison – only very slightly. Nigella is so good at constructive criticism. I love her.
Nigella enjoyed her time here. ‘It’s been such fun!’. Please stay forever! Ok, I get the whole thing about Nigella now.
Decision time! As usual both team captains think they’ve won.
High point for red team was the pie. Danielle made the pastry and Hayden made the filling. Sadly, the beef was like old boots, and Arena’s failure cupcakes were completely wrong. She forgot to add bicarb. No comment on the Yorkshire puddings – Goth Matt escapes again! Dani avoids responsibility for the meat and basks in the praise of her cupcakes.
The blue team positives were the perfectly cooked beef and the delicious chocolate cake. The negatives were the pastry and Adam’s complete failure to communicate. Kate really agrees that this was terrible.
The blue team wins! Unanimous vote. Yay! Red team all start to sulk. Gary rubs it in. Tomorrow they pick their bottom two. I pick Goth Matt and Hayden, forcing Hayden to use his immunity pin to auto-eliminate Goth Matt.