Welcome back to Bizarro Masterchef – Jay’s gone and Quirky Danielle is fighting for immunity. Goth Matt is still here and Cleo has gone. What’s even happening?
In the Masterchef house Danielle fulfils her contractual obligation to provide a tedious recap to camera, reminding us that she won the Super Spanish challenge on Sunday. Pretty sure it was just the Spanish challenge. She’s here to realise her personal, non-specified dreams. No backstory! Does she have one?
Apparently not. In the kitchen, George introduces the guest judge, Australia’s leading expert in Thai food – Martin Boetz. Nothing evokes the heritage and flavours of Thai cuisine than the surname ‘Boetz’. Like all guest judges, he seems dull.
Quirky Danielle is going to be fighting off against a food scientist and a food artist. Surely not simultaneously? Oh, wait, it’s one guy. Thorsten Schmit, who has come all the way from Denmark and brought his novelty accent with him. He doesn’t use olive oil in his food. Instant zero from George.
Thorsten’s pretty upfront about not knowing how to cook Asian food. Oh no – Matt Moran is back, explaining the basic premise of an immunity challenge. I was lulled into a false sense of security by his long absence. Like a camouflage lizard.
It’s a Thai challenge, to celebrate our long cultural connection with our Asian neighbours. I live in a state where Pauline Hanson nearly got elected to state parliament, I think we’ve got a while to go before we can declare ourselves a multicultural paradise. Thai food is apparently not huge in Denmark. Thorsten’s looking worried.
It’s a Murray River cod braised with star anise and a garlic and chilli sauce. Thorsten doesn’t really cook with any of the ingredients. Quirky Danielle is feeling confident, but has still failed to say or do anything interesting.
Danielle gets a ten-minute head start and a recipe for the whole thing. Thorsten only gets to read the recipe for two minutes. Full on!
Danielle’s off! She still hasn’t said or done anything memorable. She thinks she’ll use the extra time to plan the recipe and get her act together. Thorsten comes over and makes jokes to try and freak her out. It works. He’s great.
Ten minutes down. Thorsten knows that two minutes for a recipe is insufficient. What, that doesn’t happen in real life? Look mate, you’re lucky that you didn’t have to read it on the Telstra T-Pad. He starts on his broth, starts explaining about how important it is. I’ve heard this before somewhere.
Danielle is so boring that she’s barely been shown. Goth Matt is impressed by Thorsten’s chopping skills. He’s a chef. That’s what they do.
Gary comes and asks what Danielle is doing. She explains every step. Thorsten is listening in! What a champ. His comedy is distracting Danielle. Unfair! She can barely do one thing at a time, let alone two.
Gary asks if the Nordic empire has come to conquer Australia. Thorsten laughs. The Nordic Empire is not a thing to take lightly. Thorsten’s hugely lost, continues to cheat off Danielle. Bad move.
Danielle tries to scale a fish The kitchen is now covered in scales. She tries a joke and fails. Despite her advantages Danielle is stuffing it up, largely due to not knowing what ‘simmering’ is.
Danielle realises that she’s stuffed her stock. Thorsten asks if she’s ok. His stock is rad. Of course it is.
Danielle’s on to her wintermelon. What the hell is wintermelon? It looks great! Here’s a photo.
We’re halfway through. Danes are famous for their bacon – does Thorsten know enough about Thai food to save his? Gary’s seriously been practicing that line for hours.
Thorsten has forgotten his melon. He also can’t remember what’s in the recipe. When Danielle doesn’t give him hints, he knocks her recipe to the ground. He’s the best! He should replace Matt Moran.
At this stage Thorsten is just making stuff up. He’s been more badly kneecapped than any other immunity challenger. Danielle continues to cook semi-competently.
Danielle thinks her fish is done well. Thurston actually checks. Guess who the actual chef here is. They both plate up, which basically means ‘put an entire fish in a bowl then pour some broth on it
You know what I want from my food? I want it to stare back at me, just daring me to eat it. That fish head is a horrifying-looking thing.
Judging time! Thorston’s dish is first. Does that fish has teeth? His broth is perfect, his fish is great and his technique is amazing – but his relish sucks. Boetz is really mean about it. Thorsten’s smashed it! Excellent.
Quirky Danielle is next. She’s stuffed her plating, which Moran thinks might just be the Nordic style. No, it’s the crap Masterchef contestant style. Everything’s ok, and the relish is particularly delicious.
George goes to eat more relish and discovers the secret flavour. It’s hair. Disaster. How are they still going to pretend they don’t know whose dish is whose?
Decision time! Thankfully the judges do not do fake surprised faces when it’s revealed that the hair dish was Danielle’s. She gets straight sevens – apparently there is no hair penalty. George drops the hair bomb and she’s shattered. Is this why Matt and George have shaved heads? No, I think that’s because they’re balding.
Thorsten gets an 8 from the mean-spirited Boetz, and 9s from Moran and George. Sensational work! George reckons it was as good as the one Boetz made. Boetz is really not impressed by that. Thorsten advises Danielle to learn the basic skills. Nah.
See you tomorrow as Masterchef takes a leaf out of the WWF’s book for a tag-team challenge.