Masterchef Episode Eight Recap: He’s Baaaack

We’re back with a final shot of Cockatoo Island. Turns out the losers had to stay there forever. They chose a former convict prison for a reason.

For some reason they’re replaying Alex’s final moment of failure. Why, to show how good they are at tricking us? Still, enjoyable. Menacing voiceover man, what do you mean, ‘or have they?’

FUCKING ALEX. He’s back. It turns out Paul the pilot has been reassigned to teach arrogant young pilots how to fight those sneaky commies. Alex gets the wildcard. Matt Moran sneaks up on the guy when he’s repairing his car. Why would you do that?

You're a hell of an instinctive cook, Paul. Maybe too good.

Back in Sydney, everyone’s just hanging around outside the Masterchef kitchen. There have been a few changes. The scooter’s all grown up!  Now there’s a huge motorcycle out the front, an unconvincing monument to Matt Moran’s masculinity. The Masterchef Kids garden is still there. The kids were better at naming the herbs.

After finally working out how the door works, they all wander in and start drinking all the champagne. Tom asks if it’s wrong to have an olive. Yes. That was the elimination challenge tonight. Shortest Masterchef journey ever.

Blah, blah, endless contestant backstory. Shannon wants to own a combination patisserie/florist. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been buying a sausage roll and thought ‘gee, I wish I had some flowers right now’, I would have…no dollars.

Are they going to cook something at any stage? Jay agrees with me and wanders down to the pantry to start to cook. Good on him. A few people join him, presumably to stop Andrew talking to them about the good news.

Hang on – the judges have appeared! The clock was ticking. Masterchef is so tricky this year. Everyone who wasn’t cooking feels like a doofus and panics.

Matt Preston is bright orange. He’s like a giant oompa-loompa. This is not okay. Ok, the idiots aren’t totally screwed – they’re all cooking the dish that changed their life, and the go-getters get an extra ten minutes.  And there’s no elimination, so nothing for Alex to aim for.

"What do you get when you make a bad dish?"

People are pretty clearly just making something they know is awesome and attaching a story to it. One exception is Kate, who’s making the first cake she ever cooked. Bit more backstory about her – she has adorable children! They should go on Junior Masterchef.

Sun will not shut up about being raised a vegetarian. She’s making the first meat dish she ever ate. I don’t care at all. I bet she was one of those vegetarians that hangs around the barbeque loudly talking about how gross abattoirs actually are. We know, okay?

Whitest guy in the world Seamus is making seared tuna again. He wants to open a Japanese tapas restaurant. He’s visited the country twice.

Alex is making the risotto that was his entry dish. Ok, it’s pretty clear this is the only dish he knows how to make.

Billy the Blogger is making a flourless chocolate cake with pomegranate molasses. Are pomegranates in season or something? Do they have a season? What are they?

George is bouncing, bouncing, bouncing.

Dani has been to Thailand and now wants to open an asian grocery and snack bar. She’s the second-whitest person in the room (Seamus wins, narrowly).

Meanwhile, I am making a lamb curry. It’s going badly!

Hayden has made weird and manky sauce – his words. I am starting to really rate this guy actually. He tells it like it is. I just wish he would TAKE HIS HAT OFF. It’s purple tonight!

Tasting time! Matt Preston is just so good at explaining the same thing over and over again.

Kate’s story is just great – dish that made a little girl love to cook. And nobody even died. The cake tastes like salt. What? It’s okay – Matt likes salty cake. Gary is catty about the fact she’s just made a coffee cake. It’s so delicious that he orders her to take it away before he eats all of it. This is not a holistic diet strategy, Gary.

Alex is suddenly feeling nervous. Finally realises that making the same dish again was really stupid. Gary tries to explain the concept of the competition to him. It doesn’t work. His risotto tastes like salt.

Jay’s lamb roast and vegies is made in true George ‘throw it all over the plate’ style. George waits impatiently for him to shut up so he can eat all of it.  It’s a good dish.

Chelesa’s making her grandmother’s lamb backstrap, a dish she ate weekly as her grandparents brought her up. It looks fantastic. Gary calls it ‘one of the best dishes of the day so far’. Boring! Declare it the best without tasting any of the others!

Hayden’s made mussels and chips but in French. Runs off so he can serve it with an ice-cold beer. Matt is amused. It’s a simple dish but perfectly cooked, plus these judges have never given a plate of chips a bad mark.

Billy brings up his dish and says it’s not the dish that changed his life. What? Ad break!

Meanwhile, my curry is not going well. Turns out I don’t know what simmering means. Ok, this can be fixed.

George is doing an ad for butter. He comes across more ridiculous when he’s scripted. Apparently, butter makes things delicious. Thanks George. I have been focusing more on the fat content issue when choosing not to eat it with a spoon, personally.

Sadly he wasn't selling this

Ah, Billy’s already used the dish that changed his life. This is a dish using an ingredient he likes. Pretty much has just decided to make something rad minus the nonsense story. Blog favourite!

Michael, like everyone else, has inexplicably sprinkled his dish with tiny purple flowers. George acknowledges the technique but thinks that black pudding ravioli tastes weird. Learn from Poh, Michael!

George and Gary won't eat this

Judgement time! Hayden is dominating the commentary box. It’s because he has no awareness that he’s talking drivel.

Billy, Hayden and Kate are the best. The judges hate on coffee cake some more to draw out the result. What’s wrong with coffee cake? Meanwhile, my girlfriend has arrived home and has saved the curry. I’m helping!

Hayden wins. His mum will be so proud. He still lives with her. Tune in tomorrow for some truly witless commentary from the professional lifeguard.