Tonight the last twelve aprons are handed out! Thank god. Once the final twenty-four are resolved we can get down to the real business of Masterchef – deciding heroes and villains. Everyone wants an apron. Again, that is the point here.
Matt Preston is waiting for the contestants. He has matched his cravat to his terrible fake tan. Nobody else is here – it’s a taste test, recognised as the stupidest of the Masterchef eliminations.
Matt Moran appears with the world-famous Aria consomme. I would like to see less of this guy. They couldn’t get a woman judge? He is surprised that nobody has ever tried his famous consomme! Peasants. It’s got thirty ingredients – probably why it’s so famous – but oil, salt, pepper and eggs are not valid guesses. Well, nobody ever guesses them anyway.
Everyone gets three minutes to taste the dish and write down ingredients. This is boring! I want to see people cook – more specifically, I want to see people fail at cooking.
Taste, write, taste, write. Dani panics and eats all the wontons, drops the spoon, goes into anaphylactic shock. Everyone applauds her failure to die.
Suddenly we get backstory about Paul. He is a fighter pilot. Who knew you could just take time off from the military to go on reality shows. The duck brings back memories of goose. GOOOOOOSE!
Jay read the recipe for this dish last night. What? Surely you have to declare that. Doesn’t matter; he can’t remember any of it. Why is he admitting this?
And we’re done! That was quick. The editing team did a good job of making reasonable television out of an immensely boring process.
The ingredients are revealed. Everyone gets cinnamon. Matt mocks the people who wrote prawn rather than chicken, making the people who picked pork feel like real idiots. Only half of the people got duck! It is Peking Duck Consomme.
Nobody gets cream, hoisin sauce or mandarin peel. Dan the bag designer got abalone. That is impressive.
Matt the ginger goth has won, with twenty ingredients. He looks smug and insufferable. Actually, that might just be his face. The losers are Nick and John. Nick’s devo about going out on a taste test. Given that the rules said nobody would this year, that is reasonable.
Wait. It’s only quarter to eight – is the rest of the show just Matt Moran talking about himself? I have no patience for the human gecko.
No! It’s an invention test. The other judges are arriving now, wheeling crates and crates of produce. People who did well looking pissed off. What was the point of all that?
There’s a point! They can only use the ingredients they named correctly! Fantastic. This is a great idea – they also get eggs, salt, pepper and oils, explaining why they were excluded. Looks like John and Nick are making bayleaf-infused grilled onions.
What a twist! This has to stay as a regular feature – it really has made the taste test something other than a complete waste of time.
Bit of gibber in the commentary box. Everything Jay’s done in the last two years has been leading up to this, presumably including his job as a car salesmen. We see him in season one again.
Ellie has wonton wrappers, carrots and soy sauce. Fantastic. Sun jokes that everyone knows that she’s got the least experience with animal protein. Doubt anyone really knows that. She was raised vegetarian hey? I still don’t care.
Jay is trying to recreate the consomme. He admits to the judges that he’s read the recipe. Why is he telling people? Also, why is he trying to cook something he doesn’t have all the ingredients for? So many questions with this guy.
Rachel is making duck ravioli. I bet she is a menace at the P&C committee meetings at her kid’s school.
Ginger goth tries to flambé his duck and instead recreates the Masterchef flameball. Gary reckons it’s going to be disgusting. Ah, he’s got a second duck breast. Lame. He pan-fries the second one like a wuss.
TEN SECONDS! Goth hasn’t got half his food on the plate. This illustrates why the taste test is bogus.
It’s judgment time and the judges are in fine form. Jay has not in fact made a consomme, but has included enough crackling to satisfy Matt. He declares that this is the only way he will realize his cooking dream. Believe it or not, there are paths into the food industry other than Masterchef.
There’s a parade of successful dumplings. Hard to go wrong, really. I don’t recognize half these people.
Abalone Dan is up. His dumplings are also great, but there is absolutely no abalone in his boring mushroom broth! That’ll teach him to be clever.
The failure brigade has arrived. They’ve really struggled cooking with basically nothing. Nick has made a layered omlette with carrots. It looks terrible and tastes worse. John’s stuffed chicken drumsticks have flabby skin. George gives him a prize for effort. Ellie, who didn’t guess any proteins, has made amazing egg ravioli! It’s excellent.
Sun’s made thrice cooked duck with some other stuff. Matt Preston correctly observes that she’s made some average dishes so far. But it’s always darkest before the dawn – and today, the Sun rises! He’s been saving that up. Awful.
More parade of anonymous success. The victory music is going nuts.
Trainwreck Alex has made something…boring. Gary calls it boring then turns his back on him. Moran reckons the chicken and duck are perfectly cooked. Alex tells us that doesn’t want to be known as the struggler. Maybe he should stop struggling so much then.
Matt the ginger goth is anxious about his dish. It’s delicious, but half of it hasn’t made it to the plate. Gary doesn’t know how to judge it! Yes you do, that is your job.
Decision time! Andrew says this is something he just needs. Jesus told him. He gets through, proving that there truly is a vengeful god. Peter, Shannon and Paul get through as well.
John and Nick are called up with a few people who have never appeared on screen. Not a good sign – sure enough, they’re gone. George and Gary wring one last heartwarming moment out of John. Look, it is possible to acknowledge that he is an impressive guy without being completely patronizing.
Greg, Sam Gemma and Ryan are called up. Who? I don’t know. They’re gone.
Rachel, Dani, Tom, Sun and Jay get through. Ellie, Matt, Chelsea are out! No, wait, Gary was being tricky. They’re in!
This means Alex isn’t through! Shock of the night. I know more about this guy than I do about some members of my family. Well played, Masterchef, well played. Also gone: Abalone Dan, some lady.
See you tomorrow night – we’re finally off the island and seeing dishes that changed the contestant’s lives. Again, my answer is ‘baked bean jaffle’.