Masterchef Episode One Recap: I’m On A Boat

Posted: May 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

I think the dramatic voiceover man has gotten even more dramatic in his time off. Must have been practicing. The top 50 are on a boat going to scenic Cockatoo Island – not to be confused with garbage island – to do what? Cook, presumably. Some great moments in nonsense narration already. Clearly everyone’s been practicing this year. Where are the judges?

Here they are! They’ve gotten fat. George is still bouncing up and down for no reason. He has words of wisdom for the contestants – this time it’s the top three things for them to remember. ‘Cooking good like’ sneaks in at number three. Good to see the priorities are still straight.

Everyone goes nuts as the Masterchef helicopter arrives! Is this ever going to be used again? Why is it being used in the first place? Cindy from QLD is an early favourite as she provides the insight that the giant box being helicoptered in is, indeed, a box. Some moron thinks Donna Hay is in the box. Or it’s an oven. What’s wrong with these people?

It’s…fresh Australian produce! They don’t even need to put the Coles logo on, I just assume these days. Everyone gets down to cooking after some killer advice from Gary. Apparently they don’t want to make one of the ten least impressive dishes. REALLY.

Hayden (red hat man) is making a strong play for this year’s role as hat wearing moron who I hate. Some journalist from QLD is just insufferable, but very pretty. She’s no Beautiful Justine though. As time ticks down George informs us that it is now time to ‘hustle hustle’. This comes as news to people still trying to boil giant potatoes. This happens every year! Even I know how to boil a potato now: make it smaller. A brief flashback to season one which emphasises exactly how much the judges have pudged up.

Fireball! Time’s up and it looks like most of the field have stuck to the theme of ‘testicles and vomit’ judging by the presentation. Special mention to Alex whose two raw meatballs on a giant plate appear to be a joke. I also enjoy the ‘potato galette’ which is clearly actually an omelette. Sun serves a ramekin full of butter which George criticises. Gary eats the lot and makes eyes at her. Matt Preston describes a dish with one word: “very good”. He makes a living writing things, for fuck’s sake.

Peter, who is clearly the kind of guy who writes letters to Delicious magazine, makes a huge effort to appear humble. ‘I’ve just made a bowl of soup, is it enough?’ Of course it is, his stupid soup is delicious. He’s like Jonathan if he had ever learnt to lie. He gets through.

'Just a bowl of soup'

Rachel’s ‘beef bites’ – so called because they are bites of beef – are boring and she’s in trouble! Needed more lingonberry sauce.

Beef Bites

Rachel's dish

The decision is made – in the bottom ten are Alex, Sun and Rachel, plus some people whose name I missed or was never told. Doesn’t bode well for the mystery competitors at this stage.

Suddenly we’re in a Masterchef-style kitchen. Are they still on Cockatoo Island? Who cares because we’re now learning about Sarah’s lucky Taswegian cock. All of that was true. It’s huge! Heh heh heh. And multicoloured. Heh?

Forget about the lucky cock for a second, though – Adrian Zumbo is here! This is ridiculous, these guys just showed they couldn’t make savoury mince and now they’re expected to tackle a cake that gave actual Masterchefs third degree burns? Zumbo lurches to the front and pulls the lid off a plate of – FIRE!

No. It’s a plate of chocolate. Total copout, although Zumbo is clear that he doesn’t want to see any chocolate cakes or fondants or any of that chocolate business. What does he want, a chocolate hat? A pony made of chocolate? It’s chocolate mate, they’re going to make something chocolatey.

Pastry chefs are not intimidating

This cake actually tastes like chicken

In the rush from the ingredients pile Sarah stacks it! She lies pitifully on the ground for quite a long time. George eventually wanders over and the source of her malaise is discovered – her cock is broken. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

About half the contestants have started making cakes and other things Zumbo specifically warned against. That’s why five of you are going home, friends. Zumbo approaches Rachel who seems to think she’s on ‘Zumbo Wants a Wife’. Very awkward.

Andrew finishes his cake thing with fifteen minutes to go. He’s standing around cleaning his bench when Zumbo comes up and drops heavy hints that he should, you know, do something else. Andrew ignores him and gives some bland reply. He has a strange ‘let me talk to you about Jesus’ vibe – Zumbo picks up on this and flees.

Sun has forgotten to turn on her icecream machine, usually regarded as a key step in making icecream. As she recounts in the outside-of-time commentary box, ‘The only emotion I could feel was no emotion, because I am a boring robot’. Fantastic. She will be fine because Gary luuuurves her. Someone has kindly fixed Sarah’s cock.

Time’s up! Some things look great, most things look like junk. Some emo guy has burnt his brioche. Who the hell is he? You’d think with only ten people they’d be able to at least show everyone’s name. Andrew’s stupid-looking cake thing is apparently delicious. He is ‘humbled’ (before Christ?). Sun’s thing is pretty but is noticeably not chocolate themed. Oh well. Zumbo refers to himself in the third person and Gary is incredibly catty to basically everyone.

Elimination time. Alex is safe first – this is not a surprise given that about a third of tonight’s show has been dedicated to his backstory. Andrew, Rachel and Moustache Greg are through. Sun is safe and Gary – no joke – calls her ‘my love’. He must get lonely when Masterchef’s not on.

Five people go, none of whom I cared about. The elimination process is much more nail-biting when you know everyone’s name. Forty-five remain. Clearly they are making no effort to streamline this process. See you tomorrow!

  1. KP says:


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